Reflecting on my session with my therapist and the emotions that came with a follow-up email from him, this mornings meditation brought the memory of when I first heard the words of Thoreau. I was a junior in high school. I'm not sure if my grandmother had died yet or not but it was the first time I heard the truth about how I was feeling. It was the first time I read it in black and white. The thoughts that were crawling through my teenage brain suddenly were affirmed. What if the hokey pokey is all it is about?
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation."
~Walden (1854), Henry David Thoreau
The comments post email communications between my therapist and myself over the course of some pretty emotional days for me.
10 comments:
-----Original Message-----
From: Bill Larsen
Sent: Thursday, March 12, 2009 11:52 AM
To: 'Patty Eacobacci'
Hey Patty,
I just wanted to get back to you on one thing following our session yesterday. When you asked about my level of excitement in exploring the realms of consciousness (not remembering exactly how that was phrased), I think I gave you a short answer that only partially represented where I'm at with my life and practice. And my memory of that answer is that it was fairly negative, in terms of being "resigned" and unmotivated to probe deeper, etc. Looking at that, I think what came up is my deep and heartfelt desire to be honestly non-egoic with clients and not hold myself above them in any phoney way (as happened far too often with therapist/teachers along my path), so I kind of bent over backwards to not "put on airs" so to speak.
Actually, my current place on the continuum of resignation--------effort is much more complicated than that, and quite dynamic and exploratory, albeit with no real impulse to forge new ground, so to speak. Given the physical/emotional challenges that are in my face these days, this is a soft and self-accepting place (life-accepting actually) where I feel fairly in sync with my "spiritual" path. Mainly, this simply involves learning to be content within the limitations and difficulty of life without getting too involved in trying to "improve" myself or discover new truths. Just ''being" in the ordinary way that Trungpa talks about. This just feels right and appropriate for me at this time--less "exciting and overtly stimulating for sure--but very new and interesting terrain to experience.
I'm writing this to you for a specific purpose, Patty. We all have a tendency to project onto our teachers, and I don't want you to have a mistaken opinion of where 30+ years of "seeking" has brought me. and to thus experience any discouragement in your own efforts to acquire and practice the teachings. All of us are in different places in our lives, with different karmic needs and assignments, and it is essential that we let these manifest in ways that are appropriate to our individual circumstances, and not according to any pre-set formula (not that I see you doing this at all). My heart and mind are incredibly more open today than at any point iin my life, and for this I am immensely grateful to the dharma and all the teachers I have known. If I am of service in any way to you and your path, I am again grateful for the opportunity to expand my practice in a way that benefits others. Sooooooooo, no need to feel sad for me--or assume anything at all from the words I spoke in our session . It's all good................love, Bill
p.s. Of course, any feeling or thought that was engendered in you in that session, might be valuable to look at and work with as material to understand and deepen experience of self
----- Original Message -----
From: "Patty Eacobacci"
To: "Bill Larsen"
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 12:40 PM
Subject: Thoreau
In contemplation of our session and your email, the feelings arise monumentally about my own lack of hope for the human condition.
In meditation this morning, I remembered the words I heard as a Junior in high school that confirmed for me what I have known and battled since learning I too would die (probably 4 or 5) and they are from Henry David Thoreau in Walden: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What
is called resignation is confirmed desperation." Another un-sourced variation: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."
And in looking at these arising feelings makes me want to connect with someone in the only human way that brings about the closest spiritual connection that I know and that is in the art of sexual ecstasy. Makes me want to fuck.
So in looking deeply at this groundlessness, another layer is revealed.
Thanks for sharing with me Bill.
yes, all is well, I am okay!
Patty
(Note: I really wanted to say is I wanted to connect with him and it made me want to make love with him. He of course figured this out but this was my first bold step in innocently seeing how my yearning to help others transforms into a desire for sexual intimacy)
-----Original Message-----
From: Bill Larsen]
Sent: Saturday, March 14, 2009 09:46 AM
To: 'Patty Eacobacci'
Subject: Re: Thoreau
Thanks for this reply, Patty. Yes, my sense was that my words msy have torn the scab off your tendency to doubt and feel hopeless (such universal "human" conditions). Looking at your quotes, what rises in me is a deep deep gratitude that I--and so many of us--have the rare opportunity to expand out of our "quiet desperation" and experience life at its very
source of basic goodness that you were so in contact with last week. Like the old connundrum, "is the glass half empty or half full?", right. As I see it,
the question is totally irrelevant, and the way out of this confusion is to DRINK IT NOW!!!
Maybe that's part of the yearning for "ectasy" you spoke of (sexual, emotional, artistic, etc). No problem there UNLES we start attaching to
ectasy being good and "ordinary" life being bad, because isn't the path really about transmuting the ordinary into the ecstatic? Experiencing magic in the mundane? Maybe, in your terms, this involves fucking life itself, abandoning ourselves without condition to the ineffable experience of the cognizant being rather than drinking/smoking/fucking--manipulating--ourselves continually into a place that feels "good" rather than "bad".
Patty, I wouldn't underestimate the quality of desperation. It is absolutely essential. Embraced wholeheartedly--and I think you have already
experienced this--desperation is the foreplay of realization, breaking through the bonds of ego-attachment, so we're open to that original, dynamic
nature you have been feeling lately. There may not be as many bells and whistles as in sexual ectacy, but it just might be something we can learn to
stay with longer, more deeply and without so many conditions (also without the inevitable cycle of highs and lows).
I'm still concernec about what came out of that session, and invite you to keep processing this with email, if you would like. May your beautiful sensitive heart be at peace. And fuck away if that's what's floating your boat these days. None of it is "wrong". Wishing you a wonderful
weekend......Bill
(Note: I am pasting these unedited into these comments as they came to me. Bill has Macular Degeneration and is daily living with the fact that he may totally lose his sight. I also like that he doesn't seem to go back and re-read his work for errors. Unlike myself.)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Patty Eacobacci"
To: "Bill Larsen"
Sent: Saturday, March 14, 2009 6:21 PM
Subject: Re: Thoreau
Beauty is in this moment. Wise words you wrote Bill. Not sure if I get it all but I will ponder them. I have been sitting a little longer trying to settle my mind. And seeing the sex as another escape. So now I'm thinking of going celibate. Got any wise words on that? Reading Merton, I think does that to you. Him being big on asceticism. At least this is what I have
surmised thus far. Anyway, a friend came over today and is suffering from so really hard financial facts right now that has her in fear. It felt good to
pass on some of your tricks for quieting the mind. And it helped me too. I will re-read this a few times because you have said so much. I love the
drink the glass Now! But I will look at your word some more. If I need to process more I will. That deep doubt really is hard. I hate it! Take care
yourself!
Patty
-----Original Message-----
From: Bill Larsen ]
Sent: Sunday, March 15, 2009 11:16 AM
To: 'Patty Eacobacci'
Subject: Re: Thoreau
Patty, your issue on being celibate reminds me of a comment Thich Nhat Hanh said at a five-day retreat, paraphrasing Shakespeare. This regarded the difficulty some people were having with bowing to the altar. He said something like, "to bow or not to bow is not the question. The question is to bow or (not bow) mindfully". So, perhaps underneath the sexual experience thing is the deeper question of exploring the most mindful and appropriate response to that urge, a DEEPER response than either doing or not doing that takes into account the understanding of what we are reaching for--and reacting from--in going into sexual ecstasy. And I'd really beward of prescripting too harshly in this area because it sounds like it is a very loaded area for you, and not at all clear at this point. This can be pretty dicey ground for many of us, but if you're willing, let's talk in more depth about what this is all about for you, and how--whether--your sexual pattern relates back to any of your child issues. I imagine this could deepen your work, and that it also might elicit some strong feelings, but it might be helpful. Your choice, of course. In the meantime, you might just experiment lightly on the continuum of sex--no sex, and just work with it as with any other aversion or craving. Just watch the urges and try to go beneath the surface of the urge; how is is experienced in the body? where does it come from in your life? What is the function of the sexual experience in your life? What is the meaning of having sex, or not having sex. Maybe experiment for a few days or a week with abstinence, rather than getting too heavy-handed with yourself. Most importantly, stay LIGHT with the whole thing. Let it be interesting rather than critical, approach from
curiosity rather than force. And let's keep in touch as you need, okay?
And I'd say the same for the "deep doubt" you mentioned. It's an old, old pattern, and doesn't have to be red-hot and center stage. See if you are strengthening it by the way you obessess or repel from the feeling.
Relax, explore, experiment, and remember all the times you have come in-and-out of similar experiences in the past year or more. It might seem like it's hurting you from outside, but you already know this kind of thing isn't truly real. What's creating the hurt? ANd for that matter, who's
hurting? None of this will make it go away, but it might move the whole issue a bit more into the peripherey of your awareness so it isn't a fireball
scorching your mind. You have the handle in the hand of your awareness. Go lightly and with love, dear Patty. I'm here for you.........Bill
----- Original Message -----
From: "Patty Eacobacci"
To: "Bill Larsen"
Sent: Sunday, March 15, 2009 7:58 PM
Subject: Re: Thoreau
Now how can I not fall completely and madly in love with you (your sage spirit) after reading all of the below items? I honestly didn't think you would write back but the surprise was the depth on the insights with sex and doubt and desperation. I got it this morning in meditation about what you said about ego and desperation. And now these others. Have you known this all along about me and are just now springing them on me? How can you know
something so deep about someone and not get confused sexually would be my next question? But I am willing very much so to look at all of this. I am
glad we are writing because I would be very hard pressed to be honest face to face. Too much embarrassment. I'm rambling now. So....
Oh, I found the letter i wanted to share with you. I thought Merton wrote it but I was mistaken. It is called the Prayer of Trust and it was in a letter of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin to a young student. (He was a Jesuit Priest and french philosopher):
Above all, trust in the slow work of God
We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something new;
and yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability ------
and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually ---
let them grow, let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though acting on your own,
you will make your own tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give him the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
I think it is so perfect. Don't you? I feel like my world is blowing apart, like a kid in a candy store with no limits. This is so great. And thank you for being here for me. I feel your writing me is like receiving letters from Teilhard de Chardin and Rilke, I am blessed.
Mindful Love,
Patty
-----Original Message-----
From: Bill Larsen
Sent: Monday, March 16, 2009 09:42 AM
To: 'Patty Eacobacci'
Subject: Re: Thoreau
Patty, nnthing you are feeling/experiencing is wrong, unnormal or not useful. In fact, it is a sign of your healing working more deeply (not falling apart), and presents great opportunity to root out some of this old emotional fixation around love, trust, safety, sexuality, etc. I only am able to point things out because I have been there before and because I've spent many years working with the healing process. It's okay, Patty, this is a safe place for you to be, and I will not abandon or abuse you as we go through whatever comes up for you. Again, I really believe that what is happening of things working well, not falling apart. Tune in with me as much as you need, and just watch the feelings/thoughts in the same way as you would any others and don't take them too literally. Journaling may be helpful, but see for lyourself. You're a warrior and will get through this, and there will be gains when this all quiets down for you. I am here.
Your mindful love returned..........Bill
(Note: I had let the cat out of the bag. Now I could really begin to heal. This is the night I really prayed for God to help me, to give me grace for I had fallen completely in love with this man. And I'm a lesbian. Unrequited love. I get it to my core. I still had some guilt and shame but in my morning meditation of March 17th I had the grace/insight of seeing that in order for me to grow spiritually, I would need to drop my ego attachments and face this demon. I became clear that this is indeed what I needed to do and it is what I would do.)
---- Original Message -----
From: "Patty Eacobacci"
To: "Bill Larsen"
Sent: Monday, March 16, 2009 11:59 AM
Subject: Re: Thoreau
Remember in the Getting Unstuck CD where Pema talks of a deep troubling time during retreat where she couldn't get free. And then her teacher said oh
yes, I relate. I have been there. And then he told her it was Dakini Bliss. I cracked up and what was funny is this morning in my turmoil after my 5 am email to you, I sat and that came to me. And I smiled. In fact I laughed. Dakini Bliss! It's not bad, there are feelings and emotions but they're not bad...it's what I make of them. I get it. Bad, good, real, not real, who? What an opportunity to practice!
Patty
From: Bill Larsen
Sent: Tuesday March 17, 2009 09:51 am
To: Patty Eacobacci
Subject: Re: Thoreau
I do remember that part of the cd. What a great insight, and also a good example of synchonicity. You seem like you're right with it all, Patty. Find a comfortable seat, grab your popcorn and let the movie run.
These communications I just posted are very important to me. They capture a transformation within myself. I am so grateful to have found Bill. It has been a highly auspicious coincidence. I also really do feel he is my de Chardin or Rilke. He is my teacher. I love him with all my heart. In a new and enlightened way.
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