My background with this is around a molestation that happened when I was 15. Often I find myself with this intimate energy in dreams and flashbacks. Trying to cut the root of the story line that plays in my head has become key to my practice. Recognizing it and then coming back to love without the added effects. I have a tendency to grab on to people, both men and women and idealize them. Move them into that realm of worship. People who kindle the spirit energy within me. I am always betrayed emotionally because I forget they are human. Meditation has allowed me to see this and then restrain from running with the charged emotions and feelings. I am gaining confidence in my own internal wisdom.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Intimate Energy
This can be a confusing thing for me. A deep energy steeped in grasping and aversion but at its root the same energy. Recently I have had some highly charged dreams. Upon awakening this energy is still very present within me. I want to grab it and make it real or push it away and rid myself of the images and feelings. This highly charged state, though quite seductive, is allowing me to practice restraint both physically and mentally.
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My background with this is around a molestation that happened when I was 15. A teacher, in his 50's, had awakened me intellectually and I became filled with bright faith. The sun rose and fell in him. I wanted to be around him all the time. I wanted to absorb him. I wanted him to know I needed him. Sexually, I was a late bloomer so I had no sexual fantasy going. This was an innocent and pure absorption yearning. What human can resist such admiration (hence the reason for so much child abuse and sexual violence that goes unreported)? Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately as I sit here writing this out, rape ensued which brought about an abrupt emotional meltdown that I contained within myself. (I sit here now my mind is numb. I am straining to come back to the breath.)
Often I find myself with this intimate energy in dreams and flashbacks. This past week I had a dream where I was intimate with my therapist. A feeling I wanted to run with. And two nights later in dreams a witnessing of young boys being sodomized by an older man. Images that triggered my own reliving. Meditation around this helped me to find a middle way. To be mindful of the arising and to watch it dissolve. And then to see the seduction of my mind wanting to run with both and then to be mindful of the arising and to watch it fall away.
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