Listen for the answer

Tonight in prayer the question came to me, "Why did the molestation happen to me? What was the reason for me? What was the reason for him?" There was no emotional pain with these questions tonight. Just wondering why like why do trees loose their leaves in the winter type questions. I watched my brain take off starting to play out different scenarios when rather quickly a voice came to me and said, "Stop and listen. Be still with your mind. Let it rest and listen for the answer. It is there as it always has been."

What happened to the sniper?

This question awoke me from dead sleep at some point early in the morning hours when dream teachers most often wake me. Loud and clear. What happened to the sniper? I must have been dreaming about Bill and his Vietnam experience.

In 1969 he had been shot in the jaw while trying to rescue some guys who were down. His buddy and fellow medic was reaching to bandage his wound when he was shot through the eye by the same sniper. Bill laid there in and out of consciousness and over the course of an hour listened to Mike die. Then he proceeded to get up and crawl to help the two he originally was trying to save in the first place. During that crawl he got shot two more times.

I often think about his ordeal especially now that Bill has shaved his beard. He claims so people won't automatically assume he is old enough to get the senior discount. I want to touch his face. I can see the scar on his chin and the surgical scars on his neck. I want to touch him to feel he is okay and here and real. I want to touch him and have him tell me the whole story and for him to know that I hear him and feel his light.

So what does the dream teacher want me to learn? What happened to the sniper? I began to think and wanted to get up and email Bill the question. Was he killed? Was he incinerated in a bomb blast? Was he a Father? Was she a Mother? Was it a Child? What was the sniper thinking? Was she afraid? Was he afraid for his family that the American GI's would kill them? What atrocities had the sniper seen? I wondered what Bill thought about the sniper.

Then the next question came. What happened to Bill's molester? I wanted to know what that man thought that pushed him to sodomize Bill when he was such a young boy? What happened to the molester to make him do those things?

And then the question came for me. What happened to Herb? My molester?

Why don't I care what happened to him?

God! Please take me now!

I cried and went to sleep asking God to take me.

Intimate Energy

This can be a confusing thing for me. A deep energy steeped in grasping and aversion but at its root the same energy. Recently I have had some highly charged dreams. Upon awakening this energy is still very present within me. I want to grab it and make it real or push it away and rid myself of the images and feelings. This highly charged state, though quite seductive, is allowing me to practice restraint both physically and mentally.  

My background with this is around a molestation that happened when I was 15. Often I find myself with this intimate energy in dreams and flashbacks. Trying to cut the root of the story line that plays in my head has become key to my practice. Recognizing it and then coming back to love without the added effects. I have a tendency to grab on to people, both men and women and idealize them. Move them into that realm of worship. People who kindle the spirit energy within me. I am always betrayed emotionally because I forget they are human. Meditation has allowed me to see this and then restrain from running with the charged emotions and feelings. I am gaining confidence in my own internal wisdom.