round and round

in and out
up and down
expand to nothing

on impermanence

There is so much more to you than you. It's fantastic.

Double Minded

Thomas Merton. Thoughts in Solitude. (New York: Farrar, Strauss, Giroux, 1956).

Without courage we can never attain to true simplicity. Cowardice keeps us "double minded" - hesitating between the world and God. ...And this hesitation makes true prayer impossible - it never quite dares to ask for anything, or if it asks, it is so uncertain of being heard that in the very act of asking, it surreptitiously seeks by human prudence to construct a make-shift answer. pg. 24

Haiku 4

I hear the flicker
For the fifth year, who's counting?
The flicker isn't

Haiku 1

Anxiety burns
At the bottom of the breath
Clinging ego point

Listen for the answer

Tonight in prayer the question came to me, "Why did the molestation happen to me? What was the reason for me? What was the reason for him?" There was no emotional pain with these questions tonight. Just wondering why like why do trees loose their leaves in the winter type questions. I watched my brain take off starting to play out different scenarios when rather quickly a voice came to me and said, "Stop and listen. Be still with your mind. Let it rest and listen for the answer. It is there as it always has been."

Stillness

Last night I was awakened. The voice said,

"Built into the notion of your life is that everything is fixed."

I was struck by this and wrote it down because it doesn't quite make sense here but coming awake from the dream state it was the idea that everything has an innate sense of stillness. I also liked the way it referenced the "notion" of "your life". During morning meditation I had a strong sense to rely on my breath as God. Always here, natural to the point of not knowing it is there most of the time. And this is okay with God. My lack of awareness is okay. The idea that I am doing enough came through strongly.

The Nature of Nature

Today I was looking out the window at the forest. There about 30 feet up in the lower branches of a tall ponderosa pine sat a lone grey squirrel tail up, hands holding its morning meal. As it was chewing away, the branch suddenly broke luckily not at the tree but further out on the limb. Within a split second the squirrel jumped to the neighboring branch and without a moment lost continued to gnaw. Now, I was going round and round, thinking how lucky the squirrel was and how it avoided a potentially tragic demise. Suddenly it struck me that the squirrel didn't seem to care at all. Didn't even move too far away, didn't drop it's meal, didn't test the current branch for strength, didn't survey the broken branch to find out why it broke. It just moved and continued to eat. That got me really seeing how nature just is what it is. The dormant trees aren't praying to God for a good set of leaves come spring. They don't worry about the overcrowded unmanaged space they are in or the potential of being cut down with the new development coming in the spring. The tree nor the squirrel seem to weep or worry. They just are; taking what comes next.

Beginning

I am floundering again. But I trust that it is good. The whole thing of who and what I am. What I think, what I've done all that is melting away. I am trusting that I am the ice who by nature is water. I am dissolving to who I truly am (not). Today's link from the Tricycle Blog was just what I needed. An actknowledgement of how I am feeling and then a way to work with it. The teacher or spiritual friend is important at this point. I am hoping Bill will be that but I must look at the Sangha more I feel. My isolation must end if I am to move further on this journey.

Fear is what happens when reality collides with our personal fiction. Our practice is based on expectations—expectations about who we are, why we are practicing, and what our practice should be. As our hope disintegrates, it may be replaced by fear. Our characteristics, personality, all of our beautiful plans and ideas are like snowflakes about to fall on the hot stone of our meditation practice.
-Lama Tsony, "Facing Fear," from the Fall 2006 Tricycle. Read the complete article.

Why Me

The question of "why me", "why this body" has been popping into my head lately. In trying to filter an understanding of ego, the bodily experience is somewhat perplexing. I am often struck with how hard this whole path thing is. Yet it isn't hard really, it is the process it takes for us to finally let go of preconcieved ideas, as they arise, that often makes me think I am haphazardly stumbling along and it is only luck that pushes me to the next level of understanding and clarity.
I am reading an article from Tricycle Magazine The Buddhist Review. In my effort to grasp it's profundity, I am linking to it here. I should not want to ever lose this new feeling arising from this article.
Touching Enlightenment by Reggie Ray Spring 2006

Why

There is no Question

There just Is

Letting Go

Heaven may close my eyes

so I need to build my bridges.

And the other voice said,

"Then let go."

Contentment

Proof 

- this photo was taken at the Sierra Buttes in 2006. It was a mistake with the white balance. Ironically, (or more likely divinely) before I made the summit, I visualized myself reaching into the mountain for its wisdom. 

I haven't posted in a while because I have been feeling quite content. I am enjoying this sense of peace; a feeling of being content with my life that I am ready to go whenever. I am resting in a sense of love and metta. I have no wants or desires. I have seen all I needed to see, been everywhere I've wanted to go, done everything that I've needed to do. From here on out I know will be icing on the cake. I don't know when I'll come back to the blog but I have let this go too.

Be well my friend for 

All is well

Damaged Goods

Flower skeletons - Bridgeport State Park

That's how I'm feeling today. I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and feel pretty inadequate. I am seeing myself look for ways to feel better about why I feel so less than. I am amazed at how many people are able to look and question deep issues and find eloquent words to summarize their thoughts clearly. So the rest of us understand. 

Jealousy, anger, resentment, fear are all front and center tonight. I'm doing a lot of self talk. Motivating myself. I see my mind running after stories like it is no wonder I have such a hard time, my mom was drinking while I was incubating in the womb. Reading, writing, comprehending, and remembering are so hard for me. The things I read are so clear when I see them but give it a week or two and I can't remember a thing. Can one gain enlightenment if you can't remember what you've learned? Did you ever learn it if you can't remember it? 

Which makes me remember one new thing I have grasped in the last few days and that really is turning it over to God. With the volatility of my emotions, I have been praying for grace. I have been asking for God to help me with the emotions. It is working. And when I feel better I can feel myself taking it back. And then I remember and give it back to God. Much like the breath.

I've even dared myself to honestly try for 30 days to completely immerse myself in turning it over to God. I don't think you can... I mean working something really isn't beneficial but actively trying various things like prayer, meditation on a regular routine for 30 days might be an interesting experiment. We'll see. 

Awareness vs Mind/Thought

This last two months has been a resurgence of what some might say is my mental illness. Triggered by the event of John telling me he had a message for me from a spirit (read past posts starting January 28 with Where to Begin) I have come around without major fallout (no hospital, or self-mutilation). I have been laying low. Not much reading. Meditation has been only on the breath. I am noticing the space as much as possible. A tool that works really well in calming my brain. Instead of noticing the tree, the house, the person - all objects of sight, I notice the space between everything (when it is snowing it is easy to see the space). It is here I find peace and quiet in the mind. Mind and Awareness are separate. Mind/Thought is of objects and Awareness is of space.