Letting Go

Heaven may close my eyes

so I need to build my bridges.

And the other voice said,

"Then let go."

Carolyn Rose Gimian

Yesterday I posted a question to her via the Shambhala SunSpace Blog. I asked her to talk more on groundlessness and how it relates to fear. Today she posted a response that I felt was very perceptive. She noted that my state of mind had a guarded quality and suggested I relax that "slightly".  Her response can be read in its entirety. I found it amazing that based on my question she picked up on my urgency and anxiety regarding the terror I often feel. It came to me that being raised by an alcoholic could have a little to do with that mind set. The way she said guarded is something I can work with in my daily awarenesses. In fact perhaps we can talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

The Noble Leader

I just read an article online in the Shambhala Sun; a discussion between Pema Chödrön and her teacher, Dzigar Kongtrül. The article was written in January of 2006 but I found a correlation in Dzigar Kontrül words between the difference in self-centeredness verses buddhnature of mind and to the upcoming transition from President Bush to President Elect Obama.

"This innate love is a powerful force that is now being led by a completely noble, incredibly dignified leader. Before, this powerful force, an army with the richness of a whole kingdom behind it and the loyalty of the subjects, was being led by a crooked king, and that crookedness created a state of confusion that spread everywhere. When that crooked leader is replaced by a noble leader, with a genuine sense of dignity, everyone in the kingdom can reap the benefit of the positive qualities that are the basic nature of the kingdom in the first place.

The noble leader is altruistic mind, and the crooked leader is self-centeredness. Self reflection is what discriminates between the qualities of self-centeredness of the bad leader and the altruistic mind of the good leader."

While I don't like all of the analogies referencing battles and good verses bad, I do find a connection between the "battle" I have with seeing the good or noble basis of who I am and my ego's persistent effort to survive. My ego operates out of fear, reacting to external input rather than relying on my built-in internal buddhanature mind to find clarity. Further in the article, he talks about overcoming this ego-based self-hatred by directing loving-kindness to our mind not to self. This is a profoundly moving concept for me.

This weekend in particular, I have been mindful of our country's Presidential transition. I feel we are transitioning from a fear-based leader or as Dzigar Kontrül notes a self-centered crooked leader to an altruistic noble leader. I know he is not referencing Bush and Obama but I like being able to connect the feeling of what he is saying with a real life experience for myself. At no other time in my life have I felt such a perceptible difference in Political leaders as I have with this election. Obama is different. He is based in loving-kindness. He operates from that space. I feel I will be able to learn many lessons in the next four years from our noble leader. "Everyone in the kingdom will reap the positive qualities that are the basic nature of the kingdom in the first place."

New Year's Dream

I was in an jetliner that was going down. It was going to crash. I was holding tight to the armrests and I was in complete terror knowing I was going to die. I kept saying "I'm going to die, I'm going to die" and then I remembered my practice and I found my breath. And then the thought came that even though it was eminent I was going to die it wasn't going to be right then. There was a release of the fear for a moment. And then I woke up -- I was wide awake.