Double Minded

Thomas Merton. Thoughts in Solitude. (New York: Farrar, Strauss, Giroux, 1956).

Without courage we can never attain to true simplicity. Cowardice keeps us "double minded" - hesitating between the world and God. ...And this hesitation makes true prayer impossible - it never quite dares to ask for anything, or if it asks, it is so uncertain of being heard that in the very act of asking, it surreptitiously seeks by human prudence to construct a make-shift answer. pg. 24

God's Alarm

I keep falling asleep when meditating
I don't suppose I should be so concerned since this is how I've lead my life to now
Asleep
I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

This morning's Hagia Sophia
Holy Wisdom, as Merton would say

I awoke at 5 saying I must get up but instead I rolled over and slept again until 6
I got out of bed and sat on the couch but laid myself down for sleep again
At least I had made it to the couch

At about 7:15 the call of geese flying overhead gently awoke me
I tried figuring out what their honking sound was as they drew closer
There is something about geese, low flying,
rotating formation
honking, talking
that always makes me look and smile
I lay there kicking myself for my laziness and fear
Doubting my ability to do this Lenten season
without idleness
Without distraction. Quite clearly I fall asleep.
I was just dozing again
when God sent the snooze alarm through
A second flock busily making their way though our neighborhood.

I smiled and arose
with warm acceptance knowing that this morning,
this moment,
7:26 am,
God awoke me,
His Child,
so gently--Hagia Sophia.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

Merton Buddhist

I didn't want to say I was a Buddhist Catholic because I'm not Catholic. What I have found with Thomas Merton however, is a new connection with God which seems entirely Buddhist to me. So in honor of the Lententide Season, I am abstaining from certain things in the next 40 days. My focus and desire is to work with the stillness while continuing my lay daily, family and other obligations but will be mindful of idleness. I want to apply mindful eating by trying to have two small meals and one main dinner and no snacking. I have been feeling that my voracious reading appetite needs to be quelled. I have been reading in hopes that just one more chapter on one more book will give me the answers to cure this groundless state I have been skirting and avoiding. Because of this I can only read the Catholic Mass readings, A Book of Hours by Thomas Merton and my daily Tricycle reading and accompanying article. This will leave more time which I often spend when not reading, surfing the net. I have been avoiding writing because staring at that blank page is like sitting in that groundless space. So I am only allowed to write. No TV. Only 1 hour of internet and it is only for this blog or checking personal email (only 1 per day). If I have nothing to do I will either do meditation, walking meditation or the practice of just sitting with my eyes open but doing nothing or shamatha.

The next 40 days will be a quest.

Find inspiration from this Tricycle online "Calm Abiding" by Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse Rinpoche

I went to Church today

On Thursday I had to work the registration table for Family Law Day in the Court House in Nevada City. As I walked to the car at the end of the day, I walked past the front of First Baptist Church. On the sign out front was the notice of the title for Sunday's sermon, "Relational Experiences with God". The Service would be at 10:30 am. At that moment it became as if God were talking to me. I must go to that sermon.

It is with hesitancy I write the following but, I feel to keep this journal about my spiritual journey complete, it must be written. I must first thank Thomas Merton, who admits in his book, Seven Storey Mountain, that for those of us who are unaccustomed to the life of the faithful, the admittance of wanting to go to work on a relationship with God can be quite embarrassing. And I must thank Buddhism for allowing me to touch love of self deeply and fully for the first time in my life. For between Buddhism and Merton I have found a way to my awakened heart. In the last two weeks I have found my pride and ego cringe, my thoughts and actions are kept from friends and relatives and even the thought that I once again might be going a bit crazy has crossed my mind - For the urgent, excited yearning to explore a relationship with God through the Church is so strong within me, I feel I am being called. And for this I am embarrassed. Like Peter who denies Christ three times.

Meditation is now coupled with prayer. I mean honest, concerted. intentional prayer to God and not just the expansive light of the in-breath. I have had an overwhelming urge to become a nun. Buddhist or Catholic. It has been as if a whole new world of possibility, creation and love has opened up to me. It is as if I have been in the cave and have now ventured out into the light. I am awake and alive. I am calm and overpowered by the mystical observations in the ordinary.

And so on Friday morning I told Bear I thought I might like to go to Church on Sunday. She was upset I think because of her own prejudices with her Church experiences. But I was steadfast and adamant. I do remember saying a little prayer. I can't remember if it was for me to honor my pull to attend or if it was for Bear to approve of my new God quest. Perhaps it was for both. But on Saturday morning, with a drastically changed attitude, she said she wanted to go with me. It was a small miracle.

So this morning I awoke excited. I was able to meditate and rest in my breath fairly easily. My mind was calm. We both went for our morning run and I was on the trail feeling the spirit of God move and speak clearly in me. I had many questions and desires but most were for Bill (my therapist) and his eyesight (he has macular degeneration and is peril of completely losing his sight at any time). Before I knew it I was at the end of the run and I felt pleasantly winded. We got ready to go without a hitch and even though Bear had a slight cold coming on, she still wanted to go and even herself proclaimed her excitement that once again her girlfriend was taking her on an adventure. And you know something? I just realized the accident. Now maybe I am taking this to the extreme but as we were coming into the Nevada City we had just passed under the Sacramento St. overpass approaching the Broad St. exit when a blue Honda pilot in the left lane and swerved quickly to try and make the Broad St. exit. They hit the sand containers in front of the cement barrier and the vehicle was safely deflected forward and continued off the off ramp and were able to drive to a parking lot at the bottom of the Broad St. Intersection. I had wanted to go see if they were okay. I could tell they were in shock, but more of an adrenaline shock not impact shock. Bear said no they would be okay. The whole driver's side front was totally wrecked. They were very lucky. Was it God protecting us all so Bear and I could get to the service? No. Stuff happens. Buddhism has taught me that. It is our ability to be mindful of the moment and to rest in the unknowable unknown with all that it brings to our awareness.

And so today we walked into the First Baptist Church in Nevada City. I felt like I came home. We were welcomed warmly. We found a seat about midway down. Vivian was sitting in the pew in front of us and got up and walked over to greet us. She told us she was the oldest member. She was 95. Margie came and started answering Bear's questions regarding what this church did. She told us they studied the bible. No rituals. Just simply studied the bible. That excited me. Fred sat behind us and helped me find Acts 2:42-47 since I had no idea where to look. The pastor, Bill Romell's talk was filled with auspicious coincidences. Talking of the importance of prayer to build and cultivate a relationship with God. In part of his story he talked of Judas in the context of Mathais being his replacement. Bear and I looked at each other with "the look" knowing of my previous struggle with the story of Judas Iscariot. He talked of salvation by Grace. And that our efforts without God makes our life frustrating and fruitless. These are all realizations I have been having this week. And what was so amazing was that I was calm, not overly excited, I felt a part of. I didn't feel stupid. I did however have one thing that ate at me. Would they accept me for who I am as a lesbian. Could I become a part of something that had to do with the Church if I was gay. I felt that shameful Mara rise up in me. But tonight I have let it go. I will trust in God's process of finding The Way.

Monks and Bodhisattvas

This is a 4 minute audio clip of Thomas Merton. It may just change your life. Do you have 4 minutes?

The Awakened Heart

This is a talk of Jack Kornfield from November 2008 about pointing the compass of our heart. It is 64 minutes. Do you have an hour? It may change your life.

The Bodhisattva Leader 

Thomas Merton

Within the last 2 weeks, I have had a yearning to discover more about God. I thought I had given that up. Buddhist psychology seemed to have given me a new spiritual foundation  that I have been definitely finding refuge in. Last night I started part II of Thomas Merton's, The Seven Storey Mountain and it was unbelievable. Here is a quote that got me totally excited:

"There is in every intellect a natural exigency for a true concept of God: we are born with the thirst to know and see Him, and therefore it cannot be otherwise."