"It isn't easy to say what bodhicitta is. If you looked it up in a buddhist dictionary, it would say something like: ' The heartfelt longing or wish or aspiration to awaken fully, so that you could benefit sentient beings. ' " - Pema Chodron, Shambhala Sun May 2004
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Why did he say unrequited love? The comment and observation were so far from what I expected that I felt it was brilliant. Is he my teacher, my mentor, my love affair? Trungpa talks about love affairs with our teachers and Pema talks on how love between a teacher and student can go astray. Shenpa!
So yesterday in therapy we were exploring the series of three nightmares I had about dying. The first was at new year's, the second came three days later. I was being stalked by hunters in brilliant colored hunting vests. I could zoom into their eyes and see them searching for me waiting to pull the trigger to kill me. The final dream came three days after that and it was about being enticed by a person into performing a death defying act under the ocean. I unexpectedly found myself trapped under water and was awakened knowing I was drowning.
In working with the strong energy of the third dream, Bill encouraged me to find what I was drawn to in the dream. There was a small hole between the boulders and I could see the light. I wanted to reach for it to get free but knew it would be fruitless. Bill asked me to go ahead and reach for the light physically. I did and a whole new desperate longing came over my body and I began to cry. He asked me where the person was who had enticed my down into the trap had gone and with that I became a blubbering idiot so I thought. I told him that I felt this extreme sense of let down of wanting someone to show me how to do it (the death defying trick or life for that matter) and they were never there and I knew I could never have such a teacher. I cried harder and harder. He tried to get me to reach further and further and even rolled up a blanket and had me pull on the end to simulate pulling the mentor to me but nothing profound came. I just cried.
Then he started sharing his observations of what I had just experienced. This is where I usually feel fear and shame. Lots of shame when I share so deeply. But he said the most amazing thing. He said it is the longing that pushes me to despair. And that is a core issue for me. He hit it dead on. But instead of feeling bad about my longing he put the twist on it that it was a good and human thing that we all long for and that is bodhichitta. I was longing for bodhichitta. I want a teacher and mentor so bad. I want that because I want more than anything to be a enlightened buddha that will help others to find their own enlightenment. It is an act of pure love. The longing is based in love. And it is an unrequited love. He said that is it is not ever going to be realized the way I think but instead it is as in the relationship between the projector and the screen. Each has a function and is form but it is the formless untouchable light from the projector to the screen that carries the picture. The light is the love... and it is unrequited.
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