Damaged Goods

Flower skeletons - Bridgeport State Park

That's how I'm feeling today. I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and feel pretty inadequate. I am seeing myself look for ways to feel better about why I feel so less than. I am amazed at how many people are able to look and question deep issues and find eloquent words to summarize their thoughts clearly. So the rest of us understand. 

Jealousy, anger, resentment, fear are all front and center tonight. I'm doing a lot of self talk. Motivating myself. I see my mind running after stories like it is no wonder I have such a hard time, my mom was drinking while I was incubating in the womb. Reading, writing, comprehending, and remembering are so hard for me. The things I read are so clear when I see them but give it a week or two and I can't remember a thing. Can one gain enlightenment if you can't remember what you've learned? Did you ever learn it if you can't remember it? 

Which makes me remember one new thing I have grasped in the last few days and that really is turning it over to God. With the volatility of my emotions, I have been praying for grace. I have been asking for God to help me with the emotions. It is working. And when I feel better I can feel myself taking it back. And then I remember and give it back to God. Much like the breath.

I've even dared myself to honestly try for 30 days to completely immerse myself in turning it over to God. I don't think you can... I mean working something really isn't beneficial but actively trying various things like prayer, meditation on a regular routine for 30 days might be an interesting experiment. We'll see.