This last month I have been in a work situation that has brought up a lot of shenpa. Today I met with Bill and we talked about it. I am dealing with a co-worker who is creating a passive aggressive atmosphere and it is triggering my PTSD. My practice is allowing me to clearly see the breakdown of what is happening in my mind, my body and what is reality. He isn't really all that bad but my old defense mechanisms are kicking in full blast. I am really aware of how physically tense I am.
The gift Bill gave me today was that he said he wasn't really hearing my felt experience of what was happening. It was all in my mind. My logical mind was explaining the story, feelings, I was out of body. In my reading of Trungpa's "Glimpses of Abhidharma", there was a part in there about taking emotions all the way through. To finish them out. Bill was able to show me how I was not doing that. I would start to talk about how I was feeling (the felt sense) and then my mind would quickly negate it with a logical reality check of what was really happening. I know I'm being vague but I don't really feel like hashing it out here. But instead wanted to talk about how one tool in working with emotional issues may be the dead letter. Not stopping my self logically with my mind but instead tenderly proceeding to allow my body and emotions to flow freely. Go where they may. Run their course. This is an opportunity!
The key is gentleness and tenderness with myself. Know that I am a warrior to take this stand at my fear and jump into the shenpa space (being held by God).
