Holy Thursday

• Messages and noticings for this day:
  
  ::Nothing important is real
  ::Strong pull to Jesus
• ::Notice Gary Thomas book Beautiful Fight at the gym
  ::License Plate - Erudite
  ::Pen in the jeep - first baptist church (nevada city)
  ::Dharma Seed talk by Sylvia Boorstein (I just happened to pick this since it was her most recent talk)
  ::Drop God as a concept. Embrace God as an experience. (from the talk above)
• ::Finished the evening listening to Mary Roach talk about her book Bonk

A Healing Dream

Frank Day - Konkow Maidu Indian Artist 1902-1976

Photo by Robert Schell 1973

I was ready to be on my way but I was with a young Maidu man, probably in his late thirties or early forties, who reminded me that we needed to say good-bye to the elders. He told me they had wanted to see me. They wanted to meet me. I was honored but wondered why would the elders wanted to meet me?

We were outside in a heavily treed forest of big cedar and dougfir. No ponderosa pines in this setting. Probably 3000 to 3500' in elevation by the feel of it. It was dark from shade with occasional diamond shafts of sunlight peaking through to the ground.

We headed down a dirt drive which lead to the side of well camouflaged house that was long and skinny. It blended in with the trees and side hill because it was brown and had a dark roof. We walked in the small front door. The young Maidu was ahead of me and had turned to the elders and told them I was there to say good-bye. I could not see them because the entrance was in a walled alcove. I walked forward and turned to my left to say hello but when I saw the group I felt it no need to say the words. Two large Maidu men stood at the end of the room who had been seated on the corner sectional couch. The Maidu man straight ahead locked into my eyes with his and smiled making me feel welcome and at home.

The room was in dark paneling and the windows had yellow brown curtains. I quickly glanced to my right and passed a couple on another couch along the wall. It looked like they were watching porno on a TV but I did not feel the need to check for sure or pass judgement. I could feel them look up at me. I didn't feel judged but expected. They were talking quietly and the TV was down low next to the arm of the couch.

As I moved forward toward the Smiling Maidu, I noticed a third older Maidu man standing on the right side of the sectional couch. He had moved slightly so I could make my way around a coffee table toward the Smiling Maidu. I could feel the floor hollow underneath me. The home was not sturdy but felt more like an old mobile. I began to feel afraid because I realized I was in this place with men I did not know. I said something to try and break the tension. No one responded but they looked at each other like they knew something I didn't. I felt they were teasing me and said something to that effect. The Smiling Maidu looked at me with outstretched arms and said "Patty we won't ever want to tease you."

He leaned forward and bent slightly to hug me. His chest went into my upper chest. Our heart chakras touched. He wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped mine around him. He held me like a father and took a deep breath. As he breathed in so did I. He exhaled deeply ever slightly pulling me tighter into his heart. The exhale was unusually long and I felt myself try to loosen my hug to indicate I was ready to stop the hug but he continued to hold me tight. We held our exhaled breath for a few seconds and then he release quickly snapping me away from him by grabbing my arms at the shoulder and pushing me back to arms length. He looked deeply into my eyes. I felt at peace and warmed by such an endearing hug from an Maidu Indian.

I turned round toward my left and there was my young Maidu friend there with outstretched arms ready to give me a hug. He did the same thing and this time knowing what to expect I fully gave my breath to him. As we exhaled together I felt my heart chakra rise with energy and it was as if all the sadness of my life was being pulled out of me from that spot. I could not hold it back and I began to sob from the depths of my soul. The young Maidu released me to the wind. The room opened up and filled with air and lightness. Not light but lightness. I fell to the ground drooling with grief and knew I was being healed. They had opened me up for the healing.

I had assumed Smiling Maidu was the tribal leader but as I lay there sobbing I knew at once the older Maidu was standing behind me and he was doing the healing. As I realized this I was waking and could not turn fast enough to see him. I awoke sobbing and continued to sob.

I collected myself from the dream state and thought perhaps I should wake Bear. I decided not to since she had had a restless nights sleep the night before. As I collected my emotions together I could not help but think that the older man was Maidu Indian, Frank Day coming to be my messenger. Is he my Dakini? There is unfinished business here.

What happened to the sniper?

This question awoke me from dead sleep at some point early in the morning hours when dream teachers most often wake me. Loud and clear. What happened to the sniper? I must have been dreaming about Bill and his Vietnam experience.

In 1969 he had been shot in the jaw while trying to rescue some guys who were down. His buddy and fellow medic was reaching to bandage his wound when he was shot through the eye by the same sniper. Bill laid there in and out of consciousness and over the course of an hour listened to Mike die. Then he proceeded to get up and crawl to help the two he originally was trying to save in the first place. During that crawl he got shot two more times.

I often think about his ordeal especially now that Bill has shaved his beard. He claims so people won't automatically assume he is old enough to get the senior discount. I want to touch his face. I can see the scar on his chin and the surgical scars on his neck. I want to touch him to feel he is okay and here and real. I want to touch him and have him tell me the whole story and for him to know that I hear him and feel his light.

So what does the dream teacher want me to learn? What happened to the sniper? I began to think and wanted to get up and email Bill the question. Was he killed? Was he incinerated in a bomb blast? Was he a Father? Was she a Mother? Was it a Child? What was the sniper thinking? Was she afraid? Was he afraid for his family that the American GI's would kill them? What atrocities had the sniper seen? I wondered what Bill thought about the sniper.

Then the next question came. What happened to Bill's molester? I wanted to know what that man thought that pushed him to sodomize Bill when he was such a young boy? What happened to the molester to make him do those things?

And then the question came for me. What happened to Herb? My molester?

Why don't I care what happened to him?

God! Please take me now!

I cried and went to sleep asking God to take me.

Trinity

Form, Breath, Love
Father, Mother, Child

Buddha, Dharma, Sangha

Father, Son, Holy Spirit

Red, Blue, Green

Earth, Air, Space

I went to Church today

On Thursday I had to work the registration table for Family Law Day in the Court House in Nevada City. As I walked to the car at the end of the day, I walked past the front of First Baptist Church. On the sign out front was the notice of the title for Sunday's sermon, "Relational Experiences with God". The Service would be at 10:30 am. At that moment it became as if God were talking to me. I must go to that sermon.

It is with hesitancy I write the following but, I feel to keep this journal about my spiritual journey complete, it must be written. I must first thank Thomas Merton, who admits in his book, Seven Storey Mountain, that for those of us who are unaccustomed to the life of the faithful, the admittance of wanting to go to work on a relationship with God can be quite embarrassing. And I must thank Buddhism for allowing me to touch love of self deeply and fully for the first time in my life. For between Buddhism and Merton I have found a way to my awakened heart. In the last two weeks I have found my pride and ego cringe, my thoughts and actions are kept from friends and relatives and even the thought that I once again might be going a bit crazy has crossed my mind - For the urgent, excited yearning to explore a relationship with God through the Church is so strong within me, I feel I am being called. And for this I am embarrassed. Like Peter who denies Christ three times.

Meditation is now coupled with prayer. I mean honest, concerted. intentional prayer to God and not just the expansive light of the in-breath. I have had an overwhelming urge to become a nun. Buddhist or Catholic. It has been as if a whole new world of possibility, creation and love has opened up to me. It is as if I have been in the cave and have now ventured out into the light. I am awake and alive. I am calm and overpowered by the mystical observations in the ordinary.

And so on Friday morning I told Bear I thought I might like to go to Church on Sunday. She was upset I think because of her own prejudices with her Church experiences. But I was steadfast and adamant. I do remember saying a little prayer. I can't remember if it was for me to honor my pull to attend or if it was for Bear to approve of my new God quest. Perhaps it was for both. But on Saturday morning, with a drastically changed attitude, she said she wanted to go with me. It was a small miracle.

So this morning I awoke excited. I was able to meditate and rest in my breath fairly easily. My mind was calm. We both went for our morning run and I was on the trail feeling the spirit of God move and speak clearly in me. I had many questions and desires but most were for Bill (my therapist) and his eyesight (he has macular degeneration and is peril of completely losing his sight at any time). Before I knew it I was at the end of the run and I felt pleasantly winded. We got ready to go without a hitch and even though Bear had a slight cold coming on, she still wanted to go and even herself proclaimed her excitement that once again her girlfriend was taking her on an adventure. And you know something? I just realized the accident. Now maybe I am taking this to the extreme but as we were coming into the Nevada City we had just passed under the Sacramento St. overpass approaching the Broad St. exit when a blue Honda pilot in the left lane and swerved quickly to try and make the Broad St. exit. They hit the sand containers in front of the cement barrier and the vehicle was safely deflected forward and continued off the off ramp and were able to drive to a parking lot at the bottom of the Broad St. Intersection. I had wanted to go see if they were okay. I could tell they were in shock, but more of an adrenaline shock not impact shock. Bear said no they would be okay. The whole driver's side front was totally wrecked. They were very lucky. Was it God protecting us all so Bear and I could get to the service? No. Stuff happens. Buddhism has taught me that. It is our ability to be mindful of the moment and to rest in the unknowable unknown with all that it brings to our awareness.

And so today we walked into the First Baptist Church in Nevada City. I felt like I came home. We were welcomed warmly. We found a seat about midway down. Vivian was sitting in the pew in front of us and got up and walked over to greet us. She told us she was the oldest member. She was 95. Margie came and started answering Bear's questions regarding what this church did. She told us they studied the bible. No rituals. Just simply studied the bible. That excited me. Fred sat behind us and helped me find Acts 2:42-47 since I had no idea where to look. The pastor, Bill Romell's talk was filled with auspicious coincidences. Talking of the importance of prayer to build and cultivate a relationship with God. In part of his story he talked of Judas in the context of Mathais being his replacement. Bear and I looked at each other with "the look" knowing of my previous struggle with the story of Judas Iscariot. He talked of salvation by Grace. And that our efforts without God makes our life frustrating and fruitless. These are all realizations I have been having this week. And what was so amazing was that I was calm, not overly excited, I felt a part of. I didn't feel stupid. I did however have one thing that ate at me. Would they accept me for who I am as a lesbian. Could I become a part of something that had to do with the Church if I was gay. I felt that shameful Mara rise up in me. But tonight I have let it go. I will trust in God's process of finding The Way.

Bill Larsen

Bill is my sage. He is a wounded healer. He specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with a personal knowledge of sexual abuse and Vietnam war. He uses meditation as a healing tool for me. Here are some of his words to me in email back and forth:

Staying in contact with yourself is the key,

and anytime it starts to get too uncomfortable,

or starting to snowball emotionally,

let it go.

Mindfulness and self-compassion

in the moment is the key,

I'd say.

Making the Fortress-House into a Home

The title is words from J. Denosky (who is an enigma, but has numerous site on the web with regard to supernatural and metaphysical phenomena). I believe I read it in the story "The Life of Kira". But this sums up my transformation this past two weeks. Really coming to grips with ego attachment and how the habit of Fortress-House has been perpetuated in my mind. The release of ego by asking for God's grace is now a felt sense. One I was not previously aware of. My noble efforts to "figure out" what makes me tick, were in vain. I was trying to find God, Buddhanature, the Christ within which is an impossible task. One that can make you literally crazy. But perhaps it was the way for me because now after reaching complete surrender I was able to relax into letting Love help me. I had hammered, clawed, bitten and strained trying to find God, all to no avail. It was the surrender that allowed me to feel the grace, love and emptiness of a moment. Fleeting as it was in memory, there remains the bodily memory which shall sustain me and keep me open and willing to strive in the direction of the Awakened Heart or Home. The grasping Fortress-House of ego is now tame. Pain, love, happiness, sadness - all things are free to come and go from the Home. This is who I truly am.

Lord show me the way

Keep me safe in mind and body

Your greatest gift to me

has been free will.

May I continue to receive your grace

turning my will over to you

until it is yours

May you know that I yearn to

share with others

so they too may come to dwell in the

Home of Awakened Heart