Beginning

I am floundering again. But I trust that it is good. The whole thing of who and what I am. What I think, what I've done all that is melting away. I am trusting that I am the ice who by nature is water. I am dissolving to who I truly am (not). Today's link from the Tricycle Blog was just what I needed. An actknowledgement of how I am feeling and then a way to work with it. The teacher or spiritual friend is important at this point. I am hoping Bill will be that but I must look at the Sangha more I feel. My isolation must end if I am to move further on this journey.

Fear is what happens when reality collides with our personal fiction. Our practice is based on expectations—expectations about who we are, why we are practicing, and what our practice should be. As our hope disintegrates, it may be replaced by fear. Our characteristics, personality, all of our beautiful plans and ideas are like snowflakes about to fall on the hot stone of our meditation practice.
-Lama Tsony, "Facing Fear," from the Fall 2006 Tricycle. Read the complete article.

I'm Right! There is nothing!

Today I stumbled into this article by Cynthia Thatcher which talks about the importance of striving for the present moment because once we see it for what it is, we can attain a true happiness beyond anything we could imagine. I often struggle with nihilism. The dreary mood I often find myself in because of this sense of the deeper I go the less I can hold onto and the more I feel I am loosing myself. I know this is the whole point of Vipassana. But when I really think about it I often go to that place of what's the point of living. I have been able to temper this in the last few months and can say the extreme ends of emotion and thought seems gradually to be moving to the middle way. Today in reading Cynthia's article gave me a better sense of these feelings and of a new direction to focus.

"To the mind with bare attention, even the suds in the dishpan—as their bubbles glint and wink in the light—are windows on a divine radiance. That's the myth. But the truth is almost the opposite: in fact, the more mindfulness we have, the less compelling sense-objects seem, until at last we lose all desire for them."

Read the article in its entirety. What's So Great About Now?