God's Alarm

I keep falling asleep when meditating
I don't suppose I should be so concerned since this is how I've lead my life to now
Asleep
I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

This morning's Hagia Sophia
Holy Wisdom, as Merton would say

I awoke at 5 saying I must get up but instead I rolled over and slept again until 6
I got out of bed and sat on the couch but laid myself down for sleep again
At least I had made it to the couch

At about 7:15 the call of geese flying overhead gently awoke me
I tried figuring out what their honking sound was as they drew closer
There is something about geese, low flying,
rotating formation
honking, talking
that always makes me look and smile
I lay there kicking myself for my laziness and fear
Doubting my ability to do this Lenten season
without idleness
Without distraction. Quite clearly I fall asleep.
I was just dozing again
when God sent the snooze alarm through
A second flock busily making their way though our neighborhood.

I smiled and arose
with warm acceptance knowing that this morning,
this moment,
7:26 am,
God awoke me,
His Child,
so gently--Hagia Sophia.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

Gentle Perspective

Get up and sit.
Oh just a bit longer. Sleep feels good.
Get up and sit.
Okay just a minute.
Get up and sit.
I'm so lazy! I rather sleep than sit. I'm pathetic.
Ah my child you're not lazy you just can't see where sitting will take you. How can you expect yourself to want to do something if you don't really know what you will gain from it.
Thank you for being so gentle.
You're welcome. Now get up and sit.
Okay.

I'm Right! There is nothing!

Today I stumbled into this article by Cynthia Thatcher which talks about the importance of striving for the present moment because once we see it for what it is, we can attain a true happiness beyond anything we could imagine. I often struggle with nihilism. The dreary mood I often find myself in because of this sense of the deeper I go the less I can hold onto and the more I feel I am loosing myself. I know this is the whole point of Vipassana. But when I really think about it I often go to that place of what's the point of living. I have been able to temper this in the last few months and can say the extreme ends of emotion and thought seems gradually to be moving to the middle way. Today in reading Cynthia's article gave me a better sense of these feelings and of a new direction to focus.

"To the mind with bare attention, even the suds in the dishpan—as their bubbles glint and wink in the light—are windows on a divine radiance. That's the myth. But the truth is almost the opposite: in fact, the more mindfulness we have, the less compelling sense-objects seem, until at last we lose all desire for them."

Read the article in its entirety. What's So Great About Now?

Why Me

The question of "why me", "why this body" has been popping into my head lately. In trying to filter an understanding of ego, the bodily experience is somewhat perplexing. I am often struck with how hard this whole path thing is. Yet it isn't hard really, it is the process it takes for us to finally let go of preconcieved ideas, as they arise, that often makes me think I am haphazardly stumbling along and it is only luck that pushes me to the next level of understanding and clarity.
I am reading an article from Tricycle Magazine The Buddhist Review. In my effort to grasp it's profundity, I am linking to it here. I should not want to ever lose this new feeling arising from this article.
Touching Enlightenment by Reggie Ray Spring 2006

The Gifts of Easter Sunday

Morning meditation and prayer.

A run in the park and communing with the space.

A walk with Lynton. Warm talking and friendship in nature.

An amazing email from Bill that affirmed both Buddhist and Christian traditions in a way for me to embrace whole heartily.

An afternoon with the ladies complete with Easter Egg hunt and potluck.

Sweet intimacy with Bear

Popcorn

Evening Meditation & Prayer

It doesn't get any better than this

Thank you.

John

"For lo unto ye a man has come"... 

These are the words I heard after my meditation tonight. I was pulled to write them here. I have the ... to indicate there is more to follow. 

So last week I spun myself out of control, used meditation to find my center again, called and visited my therapist to hash it over and look at the good of the experience and within a few days felt right back to normal. Good work for me. Strengthening my confidence. The romance associated with psychic phenomenon is and has been another core issue for me throughout my life. But I have also had a strong fear of it too. Nothing really in this life has happened which would raise such a guard for me so I have always felt perhaps in a past life some how the psychic path ended not so well for me. In the last two years I have had amazing things happen which have been a test to my sanity. Literally. So the "over reaction" to last weeks anticipation at being given a message from my dead Grandmother brought up a whirlpool of emotions. Finding buddhism has been a godsend. (Is that an irony or what?) Here in much of the literature and talks I've been to are sane, rational, spiritual people talking about the reality of "unseen forces" about images and voices but the emphases is on de-emphasizing these phenomenon. Treat them like the wondering mind, with kindness, gentleness and bring yourself back to the breath. Even when you are completely lost gently come back to the breath. This is sage advice for this ego clinging, want-to-be psychic, householder.  

Okay, so the books John had given me last Wednesday, didn't resonate at all with me. I mean if the books had been about Edgar Cayce talking about his experiences of tapping into his psychic abilities, what he did to connect to ground etc I would have been all over it. But instead these were accounts of his readings and their content. I did however hear the possibility that if this was a message from my grandmother that perhaps my dad or brother would be interested in the books so when I met with them over the weekend for my dad's 72nd birthday lunch, I handed them off. I was surprised they both took the books but I think they just wanted to make me feel good. We'll see. 

Okay so I'm going along meditating doing everything fine when Wednesday (one week later) John is there in the parking lot in his red and white truck. My heart sank. I did not want to talk to him. But I took a breath and composed myself and was able to go up and talk to him. He asked what I felt of the books and I was honest and told him they didn't resonate with me but that I had given them to my father and brother just in case we were only messengers. He agreed with that. Then he reached over in the cab of his truck and grabbed another book and handed to me. I saw words Jesus Christ on the cover and could feel myself shut down again. God definitely is out of the picture for me these days and never have I even had an urge to study the bible or any of that stuff. My spiritual connection with God earlier in my life came from AA. It was clean and pure and most of all it worked. I was able to believe that a power greater than myself would restore me to sanity. But 20 years later, staying sober really not an issue anymore, there were just too many holes in the God thing. This is how I found Buddhism in the spring of 2007 (which is another kind of "unseen forces" story), took a formal meditation class in the fall and now here I am sitting at least 10 minutes every day, reading everything I can get my hands on and finally feeling peace. I have come home. 

So John hands me this book called "The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ" by Levi Dowling. He told me to have an open mind. I reluctantly took the book. That night I started to read thinking I would skim a few pages here and there and then just give it back in a week or so but what instead I found was an interesting story that actually I understood and enjoyed. I kind of somehow forgot about the Bible thing and was able to get in to the story. I read far enough to realize that the book was going to tell the story of Jesus and of a man called John the Harbinger. I had to look up harbinger. I went to bed smiling at myself. The following morning I was in and out of the realization that a man named John had given me this book. I also remembered that in the Summer of 2007 a concerned friend gave me The Living Water Edition of the Holy Bible and had requested that I read the book of John, he had thoughtfully placed the cloth tassel bookmark at it's place in the New Testament. So easy for my brain to go flying off the handle with thoughts of grandeur of being a chosen one. To receive a message. But I breathed in and calmed down and instead picked up the book and began to read some more. Well, it is amazing at the similarities between what I have learned in Buddhism and this Gospel. Now I am not going to go off and go to church but it really is fun for me to read to have it resonate. What is really weird is that I went on to the internet to read about this Levi Dowling and found this site where it talks that....are you ready for this.... Jesus during his travels had a guide, a spirit guide, guess who? Maitreya.  Is this just to weird? But I like it. 

Okay so what do you think? What do you think the words at the top of this post (that I heard after my meditation) mean?  

Update

Bill called. He was glad I had called and had noticed my racing thoughts from our earlier session this week. He and I have an appointment for Tuesday. In the mean time he reiterated what I have already said. But hearing his words the connection with another person other than my partner is comforting. Sangha. He told me to breath into the earth. Know this is real but not to buy into it.