God's Alarm

I keep falling asleep when meditating
I don't suppose I should be so concerned since this is how I've lead my life to now
Asleep
I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

This morning's Hagia Sophia
Holy Wisdom, as Merton would say

I awoke at 5 saying I must get up but instead I rolled over and slept again until 6
I got out of bed and sat on the couch but laid myself down for sleep again
At least I had made it to the couch

At about 7:15 the call of geese flying overhead gently awoke me
I tried figuring out what their honking sound was as they drew closer
There is something about geese, low flying,
rotating formation
honking, talking
that always makes me look and smile
I lay there kicking myself for my laziness and fear
Doubting my ability to do this Lenten season
without idleness
Without distraction. Quite clearly I fall asleep.
I was just dozing again
when God sent the snooze alarm through
A second flock busily making their way though our neighborhood.

I smiled and arose
with warm acceptance knowing that this morning,
this moment,
7:26 am,
God awoke me,
His Child,
so gently--Hagia Sophia.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

Listen for the answer

Tonight in prayer the question came to me, "Why did the molestation happen to me? What was the reason for me? What was the reason for him?" There was no emotional pain with these questions tonight. Just wondering why like why do trees loose their leaves in the winter type questions. I watched my brain take off starting to play out different scenarios when rather quickly a voice came to me and said, "Stop and listen. Be still with your mind. Let it rest and listen for the answer. It is there as it always has been."

Merton Buddhist

I didn't want to say I was a Buddhist Catholic because I'm not Catholic. What I have found with Thomas Merton however, is a new connection with God which seems entirely Buddhist to me. So in honor of the Lententide Season, I am abstaining from certain things in the next 40 days. My focus and desire is to work with the stillness while continuing my lay daily, family and other obligations but will be mindful of idleness. I want to apply mindful eating by trying to have two small meals and one main dinner and no snacking. I have been feeling that my voracious reading appetite needs to be quelled. I have been reading in hopes that just one more chapter on one more book will give me the answers to cure this groundless state I have been skirting and avoiding. Because of this I can only read the Catholic Mass readings, A Book of Hours by Thomas Merton and my daily Tricycle reading and accompanying article. This will leave more time which I often spend when not reading, surfing the net. I have been avoiding writing because staring at that blank page is like sitting in that groundless space. So I am only allowed to write. No TV. Only 1 hour of internet and it is only for this blog or checking personal email (only 1 per day). If I have nothing to do I will either do meditation, walking meditation or the practice of just sitting with my eyes open but doing nothing or shamatha.

The next 40 days will be a quest.

Find inspiration from this Tricycle online "Calm Abiding" by Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse Rinpoche

Stillness

Last night I was awakened. The voice said,

"Built into the notion of your life is that everything is fixed."

I was struck by this and wrote it down because it doesn't quite make sense here but coming awake from the dream state it was the idea that everything has an innate sense of stillness. I also liked the way it referenced the "notion" of "your life". During morning meditation I had a strong sense to rely on my breath as God. Always here, natural to the point of not knowing it is there most of the time. And this is okay with God. My lack of awareness is okay. The idea that I am doing enough came through strongly.

Now is the Season of Effort

So what to do?
Nothing.