Update

Bill called. He was glad I had called and had noticed my racing thoughts from our earlier session this week. He and I have an appointment for Tuesday. In the mean time he reiterated what I have already said. But hearing his words the connection with another person other than my partner is comforting. Sangha. He told me to breath into the earth. Know this is real but not to buy into it.

Hooked

I am spinning and have called Bill. I need help in grounding but feel okay to practice myself. I am hearing Pema's words of refraining. I am not stopping the rush of feelings but trying to let them pass on by like a ticker tape. She talked about Dzigar Kongtrül teachings on shenpa. Recognizing when we are hooked. I find therapy helps me with the content of my thoughts and buddhism works at cutting the root. This is a root issue for me. Psychic stuff. I am working to find ground in the groundless...if that makes sense.

I Got Them

Two books not one. John was there in his white and red truck. We exchanged a few words. These are by Robert J. Grant. "The Place We Call Home" and "Universe of Worlds"

It's Time

Breathe, swim.... laugh out loud

An Hour to Go

What will it be... the book? Is it a message for me. Or am I to be the messenger for my dad and brother? Shenpa!

Trust in the buddhanature... swim... feel that it holds me...feel the thoughts dissolve.

Where To Begin?

So many things have happened in the last few weeks. A profound change in my thinking. The messages are becoming overwhelming, fun, delightful, mysterious... a little bit of everything. Through this I am trying to rest in my new thought processing mechanism and that is as if I am in a giant swimming pool of buddhanature mind energy. More on this in a minute.

What I am looking forward to right now...but again trying not to grasp or cling... is an older man who I know only as an aquaintance met me in the parking lot yesterday on my way to lunch. He asked me if I knew and Adelle or Adaline. I asked for him to give me a context. He said a friend or a relative. I could not recall any one by that name. He said that he was told by them to give me a book. I really raked my brain since I am not good with names at all. No nothing. He said well I don't know if you believe in this stuff or not but have you ever gone into a trance and gotten messages? I was neither skeptical or to enthused but I did say yes. No trance for me but I definitely have gotten messages and heard voices. He said well they told me, demanded I get you this book that I have. Then he said that it has to do with death and what happens after we die. Talk about stop me dead in my tracks. No pun intended there. But the night before I had just watched my movie Proof. And that is my main quest...question... why can't we know what happens after we die. Anyway, my brain has been running with this and thinking back and at 12:30 he is supposed to be out in the parking lot to give me the book. By the way, when I realized he was getting messages I asked him if it could be Madaline? He said that the hair on the back of his neck went up so that must be who it was who wanted me to have the book. Madaline is my grandmother on my Father's side. What a fun story to share with him and my brother (since we don't talk about this kind of stuff... it would be fun to see their reaction).

So more about swimming in buddhanature energy. If I am... really just buddhanature love, wisdom, and all then trying to float in that space and let thoughts and emotions float on past is what I need to be trying to do. So, I am pretending that I am in a giant swimming pool and the water is the space and everyone I see and everything I feel is like my thoughts and emotions. And as I move through space/water that is buddhanature and it is mainly what there is around me. Buddhanature is space and like the feeling of water it is holding me. It is comforting and it makes me a part of everything else in the pool. I feel my heart chakra expand. Oh and words... have you ever been able to hear someone under water? No. So words have really no place other than sound. I can't attach meaning to them. Anyway....more to follow after lunch.

The Noble Leader

I just read an article online in the Shambhala Sun; a discussion between Pema Chödrön and her teacher, Dzigar Kongtrül. The article was written in January of 2006 but I found a correlation in Dzigar Kontrül words between the difference in self-centeredness verses buddhnature of mind and to the upcoming transition from President Bush to President Elect Obama.

"This innate love is a powerful force that is now being led by a completely noble, incredibly dignified leader. Before, this powerful force, an army with the richness of a whole kingdom behind it and the loyalty of the subjects, was being led by a crooked king, and that crookedness created a state of confusion that spread everywhere. When that crooked leader is replaced by a noble leader, with a genuine sense of dignity, everyone in the kingdom can reap the benefit of the positive qualities that are the basic nature of the kingdom in the first place.

The noble leader is altruistic mind, and the crooked leader is self-centeredness. Self reflection is what discriminates between the qualities of self-centeredness of the bad leader and the altruistic mind of the good leader."

While I don't like all of the analogies referencing battles and good verses bad, I do find a connection between the "battle" I have with seeing the good or noble basis of who I am and my ego's persistent effort to survive. My ego operates out of fear, reacting to external input rather than relying on my built-in internal buddhanature mind to find clarity. Further in the article, he talks about overcoming this ego-based self-hatred by directing loving-kindness to our mind not to self. This is a profoundly moving concept for me.

This weekend in particular, I have been mindful of our country's Presidential transition. I feel we are transitioning from a fear-based leader or as Dzigar Kontrül notes a self-centered crooked leader to an altruistic noble leader. I know he is not referencing Bush and Obama but I like being able to connect the feeling of what he is saying with a real life experience for myself. At no other time in my life have I felt such a perceptible difference in Political leaders as I have with this election. Obama is different. He is based in loving-kindness. He operates from that space. I feel I will be able to learn many lessons in the next four years from our noble leader. "Everyone in the kingdom will reap the positive qualities that are the basic nature of the kingdom in the first place."

Unrequited Love

My longing for bodhichitta - my longing for awakened heart/mind - contains the passion, sorrow, and soulful ache of unrequited love.

"It isn't easy to say what bodhicitta is. If you looked it up in a buddhist dictionary, it would say something like: ' The heartfelt longing or wish or aspiration to awaken fully, so that you could benefit sentient beings. ' " - Pema Chodron, Shambhala Sun May 2004

New Year's Dream

I was in an jetliner that was going down. It was going to crash. I was holding tight to the armrests and I was in complete terror knowing I was going to die. I kept saying "I'm going to die, I'm going to die" and then I remembered my practice and I found my breath. And then the thought came that even though it was eminent I was going to die it wasn't going to be right then. There was a release of the fear for a moment. And then I woke up -- I was wide awake.