Awareness vs Mind/Thought

This last two months has been a resurgence of what some might say is my mental illness. Triggered by the event of John telling me he had a message for me from a spirit (read past posts starting January 28 with Where to Begin) I have come around without major fallout (no hospital, or self-mutilation). I have been laying low. Not much reading. Meditation has been only on the breath. I am noticing the space as much as possible. A tool that works really well in calming my brain. Instead of noticing the tree, the house, the person - all objects of sight, I notice the space between everything (when it is snowing it is easy to see the space). It is here I find peace and quiet in the mind. Mind and Awareness are separate. Mind/Thought is of objects and Awareness is of space.

Ellen Bass

Today is reflective and somewhat low. This reading by Ellen Bass is appropriate:
Asking Directions In Paris

The Gifts of Easter Sunday

Morning meditation and prayer.

A run in the park and communing with the space.

A walk with Lynton. Warm talking and friendship in nature.

An amazing email from Bill that affirmed both Buddhist and Christian traditions in a way for me to embrace whole heartily.

An afternoon with the ladies complete with Easter Egg hunt and potluck.

Sweet intimacy with Bear

Popcorn

Evening Meditation & Prayer

It doesn't get any better than this

Thank you.

Grounding with Spring

Brodiaea-laxa


Busy Bee


Red Succulent

Today I came clean with Bear. Then I talked to Bill too. Bear knew I needed to get out in nature to get me grounded once again. It all worked. I feel back in my skin. My head has stopped reeling. Here are a few photos from the hike in Bridgeport State Park. It was beautiful.

Good Friday

Is not going unnoticed. Today is a commitment to my faith and that it will arise in me.

Holy Thursday

• Messages and noticings for this day:
  
  ::Nothing important is real
  ::Strong pull to Jesus
• ::Notice Gary Thomas book Beautiful Fight at the gym
  ::License Plate - Erudite
  ::Pen in the jeep - first baptist church (nevada city)
  ::Dharma Seed talk by Sylvia Boorstein (I just happened to pick this since it was her most recent talk)
  ::Drop God as a concept. Embrace God as an experience. (from the talk above)
• ::Finished the evening listening to Mary Roach talk about her book Bonk

A Healing Dream

Frank Day - Konkow Maidu Indian Artist 1902-1976

Photo by Robert Schell 1973

I was ready to be on my way but I was with a young Maidu man, probably in his late thirties or early forties, who reminded me that we needed to say good-bye to the elders. He told me they had wanted to see me. They wanted to meet me. I was honored but wondered why would the elders wanted to meet me?

We were outside in a heavily treed forest of big cedar and dougfir. No ponderosa pines in this setting. Probably 3000 to 3500' in elevation by the feel of it. It was dark from shade with occasional diamond shafts of sunlight peaking through to the ground.

We headed down a dirt drive which lead to the side of well camouflaged house that was long and skinny. It blended in with the trees and side hill because it was brown and had a dark roof. We walked in the small front door. The young Maidu was ahead of me and had turned to the elders and told them I was there to say good-bye. I could not see them because the entrance was in a walled alcove. I walked forward and turned to my left to say hello but when I saw the group I felt it no need to say the words. Two large Maidu men stood at the end of the room who had been seated on the corner sectional couch. The Maidu man straight ahead locked into my eyes with his and smiled making me feel welcome and at home.

The room was in dark paneling and the windows had yellow brown curtains. I quickly glanced to my right and passed a couple on another couch along the wall. It looked like they were watching porno on a TV but I did not feel the need to check for sure or pass judgement. I could feel them look up at me. I didn't feel judged but expected. They were talking quietly and the TV was down low next to the arm of the couch.

As I moved forward toward the Smiling Maidu, I noticed a third older Maidu man standing on the right side of the sectional couch. He had moved slightly so I could make my way around a coffee table toward the Smiling Maidu. I could feel the floor hollow underneath me. The home was not sturdy but felt more like an old mobile. I began to feel afraid because I realized I was in this place with men I did not know. I said something to try and break the tension. No one responded but they looked at each other like they knew something I didn't. I felt they were teasing me and said something to that effect. The Smiling Maidu looked at me with outstretched arms and said "Patty we won't ever want to tease you."

He leaned forward and bent slightly to hug me. His chest went into my upper chest. Our heart chakras touched. He wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped mine around him. He held me like a father and took a deep breath. As he breathed in so did I. He exhaled deeply ever slightly pulling me tighter into his heart. The exhale was unusually long and I felt myself try to loosen my hug to indicate I was ready to stop the hug but he continued to hold me tight. We held our exhaled breath for a few seconds and then he release quickly snapping me away from him by grabbing my arms at the shoulder and pushing me back to arms length. He looked deeply into my eyes. I felt at peace and warmed by such an endearing hug from an Maidu Indian.

I turned round toward my left and there was my young Maidu friend there with outstretched arms ready to give me a hug. He did the same thing and this time knowing what to expect I fully gave my breath to him. As we exhaled together I felt my heart chakra rise with energy and it was as if all the sadness of my life was being pulled out of me from that spot. I could not hold it back and I began to sob from the depths of my soul. The young Maidu released me to the wind. The room opened up and filled with air and lightness. Not light but lightness. I fell to the ground drooling with grief and knew I was being healed. They had opened me up for the healing.

I had assumed Smiling Maidu was the tribal leader but as I lay there sobbing I knew at once the older Maidu was standing behind me and he was doing the healing. As I realized this I was waking and could not turn fast enough to see him. I awoke sobbing and continued to sob.

I collected myself from the dream state and thought perhaps I should wake Bear. I decided not to since she had had a restless nights sleep the night before. As I collected my emotions together I could not help but think that the older man was Maidu Indian, Frank Day coming to be my messenger. Is he my Dakini? There is unfinished business here.

What happened to the sniper?

This question awoke me from dead sleep at some point early in the morning hours when dream teachers most often wake me. Loud and clear. What happened to the sniper? I must have been dreaming about Bill and his Vietnam experience.

In 1969 he had been shot in the jaw while trying to rescue some guys who were down. His buddy and fellow medic was reaching to bandage his wound when he was shot through the eye by the same sniper. Bill laid there in and out of consciousness and over the course of an hour listened to Mike die. Then he proceeded to get up and crawl to help the two he originally was trying to save in the first place. During that crawl he got shot two more times.

I often think about his ordeal especially now that Bill has shaved his beard. He claims so people won't automatically assume he is old enough to get the senior discount. I want to touch his face. I can see the scar on his chin and the surgical scars on his neck. I want to touch him to feel he is okay and here and real. I want to touch him and have him tell me the whole story and for him to know that I hear him and feel his light.

So what does the dream teacher want me to learn? What happened to the sniper? I began to think and wanted to get up and email Bill the question. Was he killed? Was he incinerated in a bomb blast? Was he a Father? Was she a Mother? Was it a Child? What was the sniper thinking? Was she afraid? Was he afraid for his family that the American GI's would kill them? What atrocities had the sniper seen? I wondered what Bill thought about the sniper.

Then the next question came. What happened to Bill's molester? I wanted to know what that man thought that pushed him to sodomize Bill when he was such a young boy? What happened to the molester to make him do those things?

And then the question came for me. What happened to Herb? My molester?

Why don't I care what happened to him?

God! Please take me now!

I cried and went to sleep asking God to take me.

Trinity

Form, Breath, Love
Father, Mother, Child

Buddha, Dharma, Sangha

Father, Son, Holy Spirit

Red, Blue, Green

Earth, Air, Space