Clouds

Photo by Jeff Foott

Clouds remind me of heaven and God. Particularly drifting storms clouds that touch the tips of tall trees on the mountain. Blue sky alone can lose His presence for me. Lost in the grandeur and spaciousness. But clouds in all their various forms, awaken within me conscious contact - of the space between heaven and earth where God moves silently and constantly ever present like the gentle breeze borne by the cloud nudging me to remember He is here.

God's Alarm

I keep falling asleep when meditating
I don't suppose I should be so concerned since this is how I've lead my life to now
Asleep
I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

This morning's Hagia Sophia
Holy Wisdom, as Merton would say

I awoke at 5 saying I must get up but instead I rolled over and slept again until 6
I got out of bed and sat on the couch but laid myself down for sleep again
At least I had made it to the couch

At about 7:15 the call of geese flying overhead gently awoke me
I tried figuring out what their honking sound was as they drew closer
There is something about geese, low flying,
rotating formation
honking, talking
that always makes me look and smile
I lay there kicking myself for my laziness and fear
Doubting my ability to do this Lenten season
without idleness
Without distraction. Quite clearly I fall asleep.
I was just dozing again
when God sent the snooze alarm through
A second flock busily making their way though our neighborhood.

I smiled and arose
with warm acceptance knowing that this morning,
this moment,
7:26 am,
God awoke me,
His Child,
so gently--Hagia Sophia.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

Stillness

Last night I was awakened. The voice said,

"Built into the notion of your life is that everything is fixed."

I was struck by this and wrote it down because it doesn't quite make sense here but coming awake from the dream state it was the idea that everything has an innate sense of stillness. I also liked the way it referenced the "notion" of "your life". During morning meditation I had a strong sense to rely on my breath as God. Always here, natural to the point of not knowing it is there most of the time. And this is okay with God. My lack of awareness is okay. The idea that I am doing enough came through strongly.

Dead Letters

This last month I have been in a work situation that has brought up a lot of shenpa. Today I met with Bill and we talked about it. I am dealing with a co-worker who is creating a passive aggressive atmosphere and it is triggering my PTSD. My practice is allowing me to clearly see the breakdown of what is happening in my mind, my body and what is reality. He isn't really all that bad but my old defense mechanisms are kicking in full blast. I am really aware of how physically tense I am.

The gift Bill gave me today was that he said he wasn't really hearing my felt experience of what was happening. It was all in my mind. My logical mind was explaining the story, feelings, I was out of body. In my reading of Trungpa's "Glimpses of Abhidharma", there was a part in there about taking emotions all the way through. To finish them out. Bill was able to show me how I was not doing that. I would start to talk about how I was feeling (the felt sense) and then my mind would quickly negate it with a logical reality check of what was really happening. I know I'm being vague but I don't really feel like hashing it out here. But instead wanted to talk about how one tool in working with emotional issues may be the dead letter. Not stopping my self logically with my mind but instead tenderly proceeding to allow my body and emotions to flow freely. Go where they may. Run their course. This is an opportunity!

The key is gentleness and tenderness with myself. Know that I am a warrior to take this stand at my fear and jump into the shenpa space (being held by God).

Contentment

Proof 

- this photo was taken at the Sierra Buttes in 2006. It was a mistake with the white balance. Ironically, (or more likely divinely) before I made the summit, I visualized myself reaching into the mountain for its wisdom. 

I haven't posted in a while because I have been feeling quite content. I am enjoying this sense of peace; a feeling of being content with my life that I am ready to go whenever. I am resting in a sense of love and metta. I have no wants or desires. I have seen all I needed to see, been everywhere I've wanted to go, done everything that I've needed to do. From here on out I know will be icing on the cake. I don't know when I'll come back to the blog but I have let this go too.

Be well my friend for 

All is well

Ellen Bass

Today is reflective and somewhat low. This reading by Ellen Bass is appropriate:
Asking Directions In Paris

I went to Church today

On Thursday I had to work the registration table for Family Law Day in the Court House in Nevada City. As I walked to the car at the end of the day, I walked past the front of First Baptist Church. On the sign out front was the notice of the title for Sunday's sermon, "Relational Experiences with God". The Service would be at 10:30 am. At that moment it became as if God were talking to me. I must go to that sermon.

It is with hesitancy I write the following but, I feel to keep this journal about my spiritual journey complete, it must be written. I must first thank Thomas Merton, who admits in his book, Seven Storey Mountain, that for those of us who are unaccustomed to the life of the faithful, the admittance of wanting to go to work on a relationship with God can be quite embarrassing. And I must thank Buddhism for allowing me to touch love of self deeply and fully for the first time in my life. For between Buddhism and Merton I have found a way to my awakened heart. In the last two weeks I have found my pride and ego cringe, my thoughts and actions are kept from friends and relatives and even the thought that I once again might be going a bit crazy has crossed my mind - For the urgent, excited yearning to explore a relationship with God through the Church is so strong within me, I feel I am being called. And for this I am embarrassed. Like Peter who denies Christ three times.

Meditation is now coupled with prayer. I mean honest, concerted. intentional prayer to God and not just the expansive light of the in-breath. I have had an overwhelming urge to become a nun. Buddhist or Catholic. It has been as if a whole new world of possibility, creation and love has opened up to me. It is as if I have been in the cave and have now ventured out into the light. I am awake and alive. I am calm and overpowered by the mystical observations in the ordinary.

And so on Friday morning I told Bear I thought I might like to go to Church on Sunday. She was upset I think because of her own prejudices with her Church experiences. But I was steadfast and adamant. I do remember saying a little prayer. I can't remember if it was for me to honor my pull to attend or if it was for Bear to approve of my new God quest. Perhaps it was for both. But on Saturday morning, with a drastically changed attitude, she said she wanted to go with me. It was a small miracle.

So this morning I awoke excited. I was able to meditate and rest in my breath fairly easily. My mind was calm. We both went for our morning run and I was on the trail feeling the spirit of God move and speak clearly in me. I had many questions and desires but most were for Bill (my therapist) and his eyesight (he has macular degeneration and is peril of completely losing his sight at any time). Before I knew it I was at the end of the run and I felt pleasantly winded. We got ready to go without a hitch and even though Bear had a slight cold coming on, she still wanted to go and even herself proclaimed her excitement that once again her girlfriend was taking her on an adventure. And you know something? I just realized the accident. Now maybe I am taking this to the extreme but as we were coming into the Nevada City we had just passed under the Sacramento St. overpass approaching the Broad St. exit when a blue Honda pilot in the left lane and swerved quickly to try and make the Broad St. exit. They hit the sand containers in front of the cement barrier and the vehicle was safely deflected forward and continued off the off ramp and were able to drive to a parking lot at the bottom of the Broad St. Intersection. I had wanted to go see if they were okay. I could tell they were in shock, but more of an adrenaline shock not impact shock. Bear said no they would be okay. The whole driver's side front was totally wrecked. They were very lucky. Was it God protecting us all so Bear and I could get to the service? No. Stuff happens. Buddhism has taught me that. It is our ability to be mindful of the moment and to rest in the unknowable unknown with all that it brings to our awareness.

And so today we walked into the First Baptist Church in Nevada City. I felt like I came home. We were welcomed warmly. We found a seat about midway down. Vivian was sitting in the pew in front of us and got up and walked over to greet us. She told us she was the oldest member. She was 95. Margie came and started answering Bear's questions regarding what this church did. She told us they studied the bible. No rituals. Just simply studied the bible. That excited me. Fred sat behind us and helped me find Acts 2:42-47 since I had no idea where to look. The pastor, Bill Romell's talk was filled with auspicious coincidences. Talking of the importance of prayer to build and cultivate a relationship with God. In part of his story he talked of Judas in the context of Mathais being his replacement. Bear and I looked at each other with "the look" knowing of my previous struggle with the story of Judas Iscariot. He talked of salvation by Grace. And that our efforts without God makes our life frustrating and fruitless. These are all realizations I have been having this week. And what was so amazing was that I was calm, not overly excited, I felt a part of. I didn't feel stupid. I did however have one thing that ate at me. Would they accept me for who I am as a lesbian. Could I become a part of something that had to do with the Church if I was gay. I felt that shameful Mara rise up in me. But tonight I have let it go. I will trust in God's process of finding The Way.

Monks and Bodhisattvas

This is a 4 minute audio clip of Thomas Merton. It may just change your life. Do you have 4 minutes?

The Awakened Heart

This is a talk of Jack Kornfield from November 2008 about pointing the compass of our heart. It is 64 minutes. Do you have an hour? It may change your life.

The Bodhisattva Leader 

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Last night was another of tossing, anxiety, doubt, embarrassment and shame. For I have been pressed to relive moments of the past in the light. At 2:36 am rose out of bed. Trying to calm my head by resting in love. I sat before the fire place and had a tremendous urge to pray. I crumpled in prayer not really knowing what to say or ask but when I reached in my heart I asked with God to help me find His love. Tears began to pour forth as I finally let go of my will and sincerely asked for God to give me His grace. I asked for Jordon too. I asked that He give us all His Grace. Quickly the tears subsided and I went back to bed. I felt relaxed and relieved. This morning I woke to these words. "Surrender your will and your life to the care of God". I came to my room and pulled the Bible out of the box it has been in since I received it last summer. Wanda's mentioning Corinthians the other day spoke to me and so I looked in the index. There are two books. Which do I choose? Surrendering my will I landed upon 2 Corinthians and this is part of what I read:

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Today happens to be the feast of St. Patrick. St. Patty's Day. Thank you to all who have helped me.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I have been thinking of my early recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I found my spirituality through AA, a higher power, God. I truly came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have been having a resurfacing of doubt partly because my Buddhist rock has been shaken by the strong yearning to know God. The other part is that of my sensitivity to others suffering and doubt which makes me feel hopeless, which make me want to fix them and when I have shared in deep personal ways makes me think that the only way to connect with someone is through sexual intimacy. Desperation, turns to despair, which turns to hopelessness, which is now turning to sexual desire. Another level of escape. I am seeing too though how this is just another play of the ego. The urgency to fix the feelings. Finding the way, the answers. Always searching. Anyway, I remembered in meditation this prayer which I carried with me for a long time when I was introduced to it by Father Tom Weston at a LGBT AA Retreat in Los Gatos. It is called the Prayer of Trust and was written by a Jesuit priest to a young student:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God

We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something new;

and yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability -----

and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually ----

let them grow, let them shape themselves,

without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,

as though acting on your own,

you will make your own tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give him the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Isn't that just wonderful! Trust in the anxiety of feeling in suspense and incomplete. Trust in groundlessness.

Thomas Merton

Within the last 2 weeks, I have had a yearning to discover more about God. I thought I had given that up. Buddhist psychology seemed to have given me a new spiritual foundation  that I have been definitely finding refuge in. Last night I started part II of Thomas Merton's, The Seven Storey Mountain and it was unbelievable. Here is a quote that got me totally excited:

"There is in every intellect a natural exigency for a true concept of God: we are born with the thirst to know and see Him, and therefore it cannot be otherwise."

John

"For lo unto ye a man has come"... 

These are the words I heard after my meditation tonight. I was pulled to write them here. I have the ... to indicate there is more to follow. 

So last week I spun myself out of control, used meditation to find my center again, called and visited my therapist to hash it over and look at the good of the experience and within a few days felt right back to normal. Good work for me. Strengthening my confidence. The romance associated with psychic phenomenon is and has been another core issue for me throughout my life. But I have also had a strong fear of it too. Nothing really in this life has happened which would raise such a guard for me so I have always felt perhaps in a past life some how the psychic path ended not so well for me. In the last two years I have had amazing things happen which have been a test to my sanity. Literally. So the "over reaction" to last weeks anticipation at being given a message from my dead Grandmother brought up a whirlpool of emotions. Finding buddhism has been a godsend. (Is that an irony or what?) Here in much of the literature and talks I've been to are sane, rational, spiritual people talking about the reality of "unseen forces" about images and voices but the emphases is on de-emphasizing these phenomenon. Treat them like the wondering mind, with kindness, gentleness and bring yourself back to the breath. Even when you are completely lost gently come back to the breath. This is sage advice for this ego clinging, want-to-be psychic, householder.  

Okay, so the books John had given me last Wednesday, didn't resonate at all with me. I mean if the books had been about Edgar Cayce talking about his experiences of tapping into his psychic abilities, what he did to connect to ground etc I would have been all over it. But instead these were accounts of his readings and their content. I did however hear the possibility that if this was a message from my grandmother that perhaps my dad or brother would be interested in the books so when I met with them over the weekend for my dad's 72nd birthday lunch, I handed them off. I was surprised they both took the books but I think they just wanted to make me feel good. We'll see. 

Okay so I'm going along meditating doing everything fine when Wednesday (one week later) John is there in the parking lot in his red and white truck. My heart sank. I did not want to talk to him. But I took a breath and composed myself and was able to go up and talk to him. He asked what I felt of the books and I was honest and told him they didn't resonate with me but that I had given them to my father and brother just in case we were only messengers. He agreed with that. Then he reached over in the cab of his truck and grabbed another book and handed to me. I saw words Jesus Christ on the cover and could feel myself shut down again. God definitely is out of the picture for me these days and never have I even had an urge to study the bible or any of that stuff. My spiritual connection with God earlier in my life came from AA. It was clean and pure and most of all it worked. I was able to believe that a power greater than myself would restore me to sanity. But 20 years later, staying sober really not an issue anymore, there were just too many holes in the God thing. This is how I found Buddhism in the spring of 2007 (which is another kind of "unseen forces" story), took a formal meditation class in the fall and now here I am sitting at least 10 minutes every day, reading everything I can get my hands on and finally feeling peace. I have come home. 

So John hands me this book called "The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ" by Levi Dowling. He told me to have an open mind. I reluctantly took the book. That night I started to read thinking I would skim a few pages here and there and then just give it back in a week or so but what instead I found was an interesting story that actually I understood and enjoyed. I kind of somehow forgot about the Bible thing and was able to get in to the story. I read far enough to realize that the book was going to tell the story of Jesus and of a man called John the Harbinger. I had to look up harbinger. I went to bed smiling at myself. The following morning I was in and out of the realization that a man named John had given me this book. I also remembered that in the Summer of 2007 a concerned friend gave me The Living Water Edition of the Holy Bible and had requested that I read the book of John, he had thoughtfully placed the cloth tassel bookmark at it's place in the New Testament. So easy for my brain to go flying off the handle with thoughts of grandeur of being a chosen one. To receive a message. But I breathed in and calmed down and instead picked up the book and began to read some more. Well, it is amazing at the similarities between what I have learned in Buddhism and this Gospel. Now I am not going to go off and go to church but it really is fun for me to read to have it resonate. What is really weird is that I went on to the internet to read about this Levi Dowling and found this site where it talks that....are you ready for this.... Jesus during his travels had a guide, a spirit guide, guess who? Maitreya.  Is this just to weird? But I like it. 

Okay so what do you think? What do you think the words at the top of this post (that I heard after my meditation) mean?