Growing up

"It seems to me in my experience and also in talking to other people that we come to a body of teachings like the Buddhist teachings or any spiritual path, to meditation in some way like little children looking for comfort, looking for understanding, looking for attention, looking somehow to be confirmed. Some kind of comfort will come out of this. And the truth is actually that the practice isn't about that. The practice is more about somehow this little child this I, who wants and wants and wants to be confirmed in some way. 

Practice is about that part of our being that, like that finally being able to open completely to the whole range of our experience, including all that wanting, including all that hurt, including the pain and the joy. Opening to the whole thing so that this little child-like part of us can finally, finally, finally, finally grow up. 

Trungpa Rinpoche once said that was the most powerful mantra, Om Grow Up Svaha. 

But this issue of growing up, it's not all that easy because it requires a lot of courage. Particularly it takes a lot of courage to relate directly with your experience. By this I mean whatever is occurring in you, you use it,. You seize the moment? moment after moment? you seize those moments and instead of letting life shut you down and make you more afraid, you use those very same moments of time to soften and to open and to become more kind. More kind to yourself for starters as the basis for becoming more kind to others." Pema Chodron

Dead Letters

This last month I have been in a work situation that has brought up a lot of shenpa. Today I met with Bill and we talked about it. I am dealing with a co-worker who is creating a passive aggressive atmosphere and it is triggering my PTSD. My practice is allowing me to clearly see the breakdown of what is happening in my mind, my body and what is reality. He isn't really all that bad but my old defense mechanisms are kicking in full blast. I am really aware of how physically tense I am.

The gift Bill gave me today was that he said he wasn't really hearing my felt experience of what was happening. It was all in my mind. My logical mind was explaining the story, feelings, I was out of body. In my reading of Trungpa's "Glimpses of Abhidharma", there was a part in there about taking emotions all the way through. To finish them out. Bill was able to show me how I was not doing that. I would start to talk about how I was feeling (the felt sense) and then my mind would quickly negate it with a logical reality check of what was really happening. I know I'm being vague but I don't really feel like hashing it out here. But instead wanted to talk about how one tool in working with emotional issues may be the dead letter. Not stopping my self logically with my mind but instead tenderly proceeding to allow my body and emotions to flow freely. Go where they may. Run their course. This is an opportunity!

The key is gentleness and tenderness with myself. Know that I am a warrior to take this stand at my fear and jump into the shenpa space (being held by God).

Chögyam Trungpa

Last night I awoke at 1:49 am delighted by all the insights I'd been getting. The new sense of being with and perceiving myself and others in the context of love. A feeling as if the whole world is my messenger. Not just in pleasant but unpleasant situations. The feelings of resting in the space of neutrality. And the new strength and bravery I have in my willingness to sit with the uncomfortable, sticky, discomfort, the background hum. I am finding the words of Chögyam Trungpa understandable down to my toes. I was seeing all my teachers. I do not have one teacher. I have many. I have my dreams, Sharon Salzberg, Pema, Jack Kornfield, Chögyam, Amida Schmidt, nature, art, De Mello, Merton, Bear, my mom, my dad, Philip my co-worker, Ellen, all of them, everything, all the time teaching me.

Here is a recent post to Shambhala SunSpace Blog, "The Warrior Tradition: Conquering Fear," by Chögyam Trungpa

Here is just one of messages messages within the text of the article:

"The path of fearlessness is connected with what we do right now, today, rather than with anything theoretical or waiting for a cue from somewhere else. The basic vision of warriorship is that there is goodness in everyone. We are all good in ourselves. So we have our own warrior society within our own body. We have everything we need to make the journey already."

Bigger Knowing

"..the warrior feels self-contained, with no need for external reference points to confirm him. Part of modesty is an underlying brilliance, being self-contained but shining out. The warrior's awareness shines out with tremendous inquisitiveness, a keen interest in everything around him. You begin to see things as natural messages, rather than as reference points  for your existence." ~ Chogyam Trungpa 

This mornings meditation was on the above words from Trungpa's book, Shambhala The Sacred Path of the Warrior. For the first time I feel the wisdom of the Universe shining through me. I was manifesting as a mirror. My sense of self became more of a reflective channel not disappearing but instead absorbed by the radiance of Universal truth. I was like an arrow shot through a bale of hay, moving through with purpose touching the awakened energy within in the straw along the flight path. There was no sense of having to stick or hit the mark.