round and round

in and out
up and down
expand to nothing

on impermanence

There is so much more to you than you. It's fantastic.

Double Minded

Thomas Merton. Thoughts in Solitude. (New York: Farrar, Strauss, Giroux, 1956).

Without courage we can never attain to true simplicity. Cowardice keeps us "double minded" - hesitating between the world and God. ...And this hesitation makes true prayer impossible - it never quite dares to ask for anything, or if it asks, it is so uncertain of being heard that in the very act of asking, it surreptitiously seeks by human prudence to construct a make-shift answer. pg. 24

Haiku 4

I hear the flicker
For the fifth year, who's counting?
The flicker isn't

Haiku 3

It's not what, but how
we see, hear, touch, smell, taste, think
HOW you do it counts

Haiku 2

7 piles high
The stuff of life you will find
3 layers deep

Haiku 1

Anxiety burns
At the bottom of the breath
Clinging ego point

Thoughts & Lessons

During this mornings green meditation, I discovered how yesterday's thoughts turned into today's lessons. The important point really is that it is the feelings that need to be delved into as opposed to the thought concept. Not really sure exactly how to talk about this since it is a raw concept for me right now.

So in Lewis Richmond's blog yesterday, Aging As A Spiritual Practice, I came away with the term "true nature". Usually it is heard as Buddha nature. It struck me though literally as outdoor nature. Specifically the forest. My mind kept coming back to a high Sierra fir stand on the side of a mountain. I could picture the stand quite literally. Despite the elements, despite man, despite the animals and bugs, the stand just stands there in true nature (representing nature), not apparently doing anything but living. They aren't nice or mean, good or bad, right or wrong. All concepts that are constructs of my mind on what "true nature" is and isn't. The stand just is. This morning I realized there was a feeling associated with this thought/realization. It wasn't the concept that needed to be tossed and contemplated but the feeling.

Last night while passing through the room, I caught a portion of Anderson Cooper 360 story. The portion I watched was a commentary between Anderson and Martin Sheen (who helps financially support the gang project) talking about Father Gregory Boyle, a Catholic priest who some had said early on in the Gang Project had been taken advantage of buy some of the gang members. Anderson posed this question to Father Boyle who responded that he was in position to be able to "give advantage". Mr. Sheen followed up by saying he is able to give the Gang member unconditional love and today they know and feel that from Father Boyle. Again it wasn't the new twist in giving advantage as opposed to taking advantage but the feeling that arose from it.

And finally, this mornings dream session was quite vivid and full. But during my experimenting with the "green zone" (not fully awake but conscious while sleeping) the voice came through load and clear that dreaming is not about remembering the details so I can later analyze and dissect them for their symbolism and meaning but instead to meditate on the feelings that arise from the dreams themselves. Concentrate on the joy or frustration or what ever visceral feeling is present in the green zone and early morning hours. For me this is where the study, work and practice will be focused for a while.

Loss and Attachment

Last night I discovered I lost all my writings. I felt complete loss. My last 3 years of journal writing were deleted/corrupted. I am sick to my stomach. But why? I mean what am I attached to. Those writings reflect who I was this past few years. I know it's not who I am now but watching and reading my transformation has been....ego fulfilling? Wow, this is taking me a while to absorb.

God's Alarm

I keep falling asleep when meditating
I don't suppose I should be so concerned since this is how I've lead my life to now
Asleep
I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

This morning's Hagia Sophia
Holy Wisdom, as Merton would say

I awoke at 5 saying I must get up but instead I rolled over and slept again until 6
I got out of bed and sat on the couch but laid myself down for sleep again
At least I had made it to the couch

At about 7:15 the call of geese flying overhead gently awoke me
I tried figuring out what their honking sound was as they drew closer
There is something about geese, low flying,
rotating formation
honking, talking
that always makes me look and smile
I lay there kicking myself for my laziness and fear
Doubting my ability to do this Lenten season
without idleness
Without distraction. Quite clearly I fall asleep.
I was just dozing again
when God sent the snooze alarm through
A second flock busily making their way though our neighborhood.

I smiled and arose
with warm acceptance knowing that this morning,
this moment,
7:26 am,
God awoke me,
His Child,
so gently--Hagia Sophia.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

Listen for the answer

Tonight in prayer the question came to me, "Why did the molestation happen to me? What was the reason for me? What was the reason for him?" There was no emotional pain with these questions tonight. Just wondering why like why do trees loose their leaves in the winter type questions. I watched my brain take off starting to play out different scenarios when rather quickly a voice came to me and said, "Stop and listen. Be still with your mind. Let it rest and listen for the answer. It is there as it always has been."

Merton Buddhist

I didn't want to say I was a Buddhist Catholic because I'm not Catholic. What I have found with Thomas Merton however, is a new connection with God which seems entirely Buddhist to me. So in honor of the Lententide Season, I am abstaining from certain things in the next 40 days. My focus and desire is to work with the stillness while continuing my lay daily, family and other obligations but will be mindful of idleness. I want to apply mindful eating by trying to have two small meals and one main dinner and no snacking. I have been feeling that my voracious reading appetite needs to be quelled. I have been reading in hopes that just one more chapter on one more book will give me the answers to cure this groundless state I have been skirting and avoiding. Because of this I can only read the Catholic Mass readings, A Book of Hours by Thomas Merton and my daily Tricycle reading and accompanying article. This will leave more time which I often spend when not reading, surfing the net. I have been avoiding writing because staring at that blank page is like sitting in that groundless space. So I am only allowed to write. No TV. Only 1 hour of internet and it is only for this blog or checking personal email (only 1 per day). If I have nothing to do I will either do meditation, walking meditation or the practice of just sitting with my eyes open but doing nothing or shamatha.

The next 40 days will be a quest.

Find inspiration from this Tricycle online "Calm Abiding" by Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse Rinpoche

Stillness

Last night I was awakened. The voice said,

"Built into the notion of your life is that everything is fixed."

I was struck by this and wrote it down because it doesn't quite make sense here but coming awake from the dream state it was the idea that everything has an innate sense of stillness. I also liked the way it referenced the "notion" of "your life". During morning meditation I had a strong sense to rely on my breath as God. Always here, natural to the point of not knowing it is there most of the time. And this is okay with God. My lack of awareness is okay. The idea that I am doing enough came through strongly.

Now is the Season of Effort

So what to do?
Nothing.

The Nature of Nature

Today I was looking out the window at the forest. There about 30 feet up in the lower branches of a tall ponderosa pine sat a lone grey squirrel tail up, hands holding its morning meal. As it was chewing away, the branch suddenly broke luckily not at the tree but further out on the limb. Within a split second the squirrel jumped to the neighboring branch and without a moment lost continued to gnaw. Now, I was going round and round, thinking how lucky the squirrel was and how it avoided a potentially tragic demise. Suddenly it struck me that the squirrel didn't seem to care at all. Didn't even move too far away, didn't drop it's meal, didn't test the current branch for strength, didn't survey the broken branch to find out why it broke. It just moved and continued to eat. That got me really seeing how nature just is what it is. The dormant trees aren't praying to God for a good set of leaves come spring. They don't worry about the overcrowded unmanaged space they are in or the potential of being cut down with the new development coming in the spring. The tree nor the squirrel seem to weep or worry. They just are; taking what comes next.

Haiti

Matador

Refraining from internal monitoring could resemble the dance between Matador and bull. Internal monitoring and thoughts are the bull. The red cape is the sticky stuff of shenpa teasing the bull into action. The matador is the loving self gently and smoothy stepping aside with out getting gored watching the thoughts arise and fall. And the arena becomes the reminder to always remember to keep the space. One is not pinned in the corner by thoughts.

I've heard the true matadors fall in love with the bull.

Interesting play on word.

Gentle Perspective

Get up and sit.
Oh just a bit longer. Sleep feels good.
Get up and sit.
Okay just a minute.
Get up and sit.
I'm so lazy! I rather sleep than sit. I'm pathetic.
Ah my child you're not lazy you just can't see where sitting will take you. How can you expect yourself to want to do something if you don't really know what you will gain from it.
Thank you for being so gentle.
You're welcome. Now get up and sit.
Okay.

Dead Letters

This last month I have been in a work situation that has brought up a lot of shenpa. Today I met with Bill and we talked about it. I am dealing with a co-worker who is creating a passive aggressive atmosphere and it is triggering my PTSD. My practice is allowing me to clearly see the breakdown of what is happening in my mind, my body and what is reality. He isn't really all that bad but my old defense mechanisms are kicking in full blast. I am really aware of how physically tense I am.

The gift Bill gave me today was that he said he wasn't really hearing my felt experience of what was happening. It was all in my mind. My logical mind was explaining the story, feelings, I was out of body. In my reading of Trungpa's "Glimpses of Abhidharma", there was a part in there about taking emotions all the way through. To finish them out. Bill was able to show me how I was not doing that. I would start to talk about how I was feeling (the felt sense) and then my mind would quickly negate it with a logical reality check of what was really happening. I know I'm being vague but I don't really feel like hashing it out here. But instead wanted to talk about how one tool in working with emotional issues may be the dead letter. Not stopping my self logically with my mind but instead tenderly proceeding to allow my body and emotions to flow freely. Go where they may. Run their course. This is an opportunity!

The key is gentleness and tenderness with myself. Know that I am a warrior to take this stand at my fear and jump into the shenpa space (being held by God).