I went to Church today

On Thursday I had to work the registration table for Family Law Day in the Court House in Nevada City. As I walked to the car at the end of the day, I walked past the front of First Baptist Church. On the sign out front was the notice of the title for Sunday's sermon, "Relational Experiences with God". The Service would be at 10:30 am. At that moment it became as if God were talking to me. I must go to that sermon.

It is with hesitancy I write the following but, I feel to keep this journal about my spiritual journey complete, it must be written. I must first thank Thomas Merton, who admits in his book, Seven Storey Mountain, that for those of us who are unaccustomed to the life of the faithful, the admittance of wanting to go to work on a relationship with God can be quite embarrassing. And I must thank Buddhism for allowing me to touch love of self deeply and fully for the first time in my life. For between Buddhism and Merton I have found a way to my awakened heart. In the last two weeks I have found my pride and ego cringe, my thoughts and actions are kept from friends and relatives and even the thought that I once again might be going a bit crazy has crossed my mind - For the urgent, excited yearning to explore a relationship with God through the Church is so strong within me, I feel I am being called. And for this I am embarrassed. Like Peter who denies Christ three times.

Meditation is now coupled with prayer. I mean honest, concerted. intentional prayer to God and not just the expansive light of the in-breath. I have had an overwhelming urge to become a nun. Buddhist or Catholic. It has been as if a whole new world of possibility, creation and love has opened up to me. It is as if I have been in the cave and have now ventured out into the light. I am awake and alive. I am calm and overpowered by the mystical observations in the ordinary.

And so on Friday morning I told Bear I thought I might like to go to Church on Sunday. She was upset I think because of her own prejudices with her Church experiences. But I was steadfast and adamant. I do remember saying a little prayer. I can't remember if it was for me to honor my pull to attend or if it was for Bear to approve of my new God quest. Perhaps it was for both. But on Saturday morning, with a drastically changed attitude, she said she wanted to go with me. It was a small miracle.

So this morning I awoke excited. I was able to meditate and rest in my breath fairly easily. My mind was calm. We both went for our morning run and I was on the trail feeling the spirit of God move and speak clearly in me. I had many questions and desires but most were for Bill (my therapist) and his eyesight (he has macular degeneration and is peril of completely losing his sight at any time). Before I knew it I was at the end of the run and I felt pleasantly winded. We got ready to go without a hitch and even though Bear had a slight cold coming on, she still wanted to go and even herself proclaimed her excitement that once again her girlfriend was taking her on an adventure. And you know something? I just realized the accident. Now maybe I am taking this to the extreme but as we were coming into the Nevada City we had just passed under the Sacramento St. overpass approaching the Broad St. exit when a blue Honda pilot in the left lane and swerved quickly to try and make the Broad St. exit. They hit the sand containers in front of the cement barrier and the vehicle was safely deflected forward and continued off the off ramp and were able to drive to a parking lot at the bottom of the Broad St. Intersection. I had wanted to go see if they were okay. I could tell they were in shock, but more of an adrenaline shock not impact shock. Bear said no they would be okay. The whole driver's side front was totally wrecked. They were very lucky. Was it God protecting us all so Bear and I could get to the service? No. Stuff happens. Buddhism has taught me that. It is our ability to be mindful of the moment and to rest in the unknowable unknown with all that it brings to our awareness.

And so today we walked into the First Baptist Church in Nevada City. I felt like I came home. We were welcomed warmly. We found a seat about midway down. Vivian was sitting in the pew in front of us and got up and walked over to greet us. She told us she was the oldest member. She was 95. Margie came and started answering Bear's questions regarding what this church did. She told us they studied the bible. No rituals. Just simply studied the bible. That excited me. Fred sat behind us and helped me find Acts 2:42-47 since I had no idea where to look. The pastor, Bill Romell's talk was filled with auspicious coincidences. Talking of the importance of prayer to build and cultivate a relationship with God. In part of his story he talked of Judas in the context of Mathais being his replacement. Bear and I looked at each other with "the look" knowing of my previous struggle with the story of Judas Iscariot. He talked of salvation by Grace. And that our efforts without God makes our life frustrating and fruitless. These are all realizations I have been having this week. And what was so amazing was that I was calm, not overly excited, I felt a part of. I didn't feel stupid. I did however have one thing that ate at me. Would they accept me for who I am as a lesbian. Could I become a part of something that had to do with the Church if I was gay. I felt that shameful Mara rise up in me. But tonight I have let it go. I will trust in God's process of finding The Way.

Bill Larsen

Bill is my sage. He is a wounded healer. He specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with a personal knowledge of sexual abuse and Vietnam war. He uses meditation as a healing tool for me. Here are some of his words to me in email back and forth:

Staying in contact with yourself is the key,

and anytime it starts to get too uncomfortable,

or starting to snowball emotionally,

let it go.

Mindfulness and self-compassion

in the moment is the key,

I'd say.

Making the Fortress-House into a Home

The title is words from J. Denosky (who is an enigma, but has numerous site on the web with regard to supernatural and metaphysical phenomena). I believe I read it in the story "The Life of Kira". But this sums up my transformation this past two weeks. Really coming to grips with ego attachment and how the habit of Fortress-House has been perpetuated in my mind. The release of ego by asking for God's grace is now a felt sense. One I was not previously aware of. My noble efforts to "figure out" what makes me tick, were in vain. I was trying to find God, Buddhanature, the Christ within which is an impossible task. One that can make you literally crazy. But perhaps it was the way for me because now after reaching complete surrender I was able to relax into letting Love help me. I had hammered, clawed, bitten and strained trying to find God, all to no avail. It was the surrender that allowed me to feel the grace, love and emptiness of a moment. Fleeting as it was in memory, there remains the bodily memory which shall sustain me and keep me open and willing to strive in the direction of the Awakened Heart or Home. The grasping Fortress-House of ego is now tame. Pain, love, happiness, sadness - all things are free to come and go from the Home. This is who I truly am.

Lord show me the way

Keep me safe in mind and body

Your greatest gift to me

has been free will.

May I continue to receive your grace

turning my will over to you

until it is yours

May you know that I yearn to

share with others

so they too may come to dwell in the

Home of Awakened Heart

Monks and Bodhisattvas

This is a 4 minute audio clip of Thomas Merton. It may just change your life. Do you have 4 minutes?

The Awakened Heart

This is a talk of Jack Kornfield from November 2008 about pointing the compass of our heart. It is 64 minutes. Do you have an hour? It may change your life.

The Bodhisattva Leader 

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Last night was another of tossing, anxiety, doubt, embarrassment and shame. For I have been pressed to relive moments of the past in the light. At 2:36 am rose out of bed. Trying to calm my head by resting in love. I sat before the fire place and had a tremendous urge to pray. I crumpled in prayer not really knowing what to say or ask but when I reached in my heart I asked with God to help me find His love. Tears began to pour forth as I finally let go of my will and sincerely asked for God to give me His grace. I asked for Jordon too. I asked that He give us all His Grace. Quickly the tears subsided and I went back to bed. I felt relaxed and relieved. This morning I woke to these words. "Surrender your will and your life to the care of God". I came to my room and pulled the Bible out of the box it has been in since I received it last summer. Wanda's mentioning Corinthians the other day spoke to me and so I looked in the index. There are two books. Which do I choose? Surrendering my will I landed upon 2 Corinthians and this is part of what I read:

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Today happens to be the feast of St. Patrick. St. Patty's Day. Thank you to all who have helped me.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I have been thinking of my early recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I found my spirituality through AA, a higher power, God. I truly came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have been having a resurfacing of doubt partly because my Buddhist rock has been shaken by the strong yearning to know God. The other part is that of my sensitivity to others suffering and doubt which makes me feel hopeless, which make me want to fix them and when I have shared in deep personal ways makes me think that the only way to connect with someone is through sexual intimacy. Desperation, turns to despair, which turns to hopelessness, which is now turning to sexual desire. Another level of escape. I am seeing too though how this is just another play of the ego. The urgency to fix the feelings. Finding the way, the answers. Always searching. Anyway, I remembered in meditation this prayer which I carried with me for a long time when I was introduced to it by Father Tom Weston at a LGBT AA Retreat in Los Gatos. It is called the Prayer of Trust and was written by a Jesuit priest to a young student:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God

We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something new;

and yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability -----

and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually ----

let them grow, let them shape themselves,

without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,

as though acting on your own,

you will make your own tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give him the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Isn't that just wonderful! Trust in the anxiety of feeling in suspense and incomplete. Trust in groundlessness.

Henry David Thoreau

Reflecting on my session with my therapist and the emotions that came with a follow-up email from him, this mornings meditation brought the memory of when I first heard the words of Thoreau. I was a junior in high school. I'm not sure if my grandmother had died yet or not but it was the first time I heard the truth about how I was feeling. It was the first time I read it in black and white. The thoughts that were crawling through my teenage brain suddenly were affirmed. What if the hokey pokey is all it is about?

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation."

~Walden (1854), Henry David Thoreau

The comments post email communications between my therapist and myself over the course of some pretty emotional days for me.

Thomas Merton

Within the last 2 weeks, I have had a yearning to discover more about God. I thought I had given that up. Buddhist psychology seemed to have given me a new spiritual foundation  that I have been definitely finding refuge in. Last night I started part II of Thomas Merton's, The Seven Storey Mountain and it was unbelievable. Here is a quote that got me totally excited:

"There is in every intellect a natural exigency for a true concept of God: we are born with the thirst to know and see Him, and therefore it cannot be otherwise."

Helen Reddy

In the eighth grade, unlike the other kids who were into Led Zepllin, Elton John and the Bee Gees, my idols were Neil Diamond and Helen Reddy. I loved them. Secretly, I loved Helen Reddy more. My two favorite songs, ironically, Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show and I Am Woman. Kind of where I am today torn between the Christ and the Buddhanature. Where did this memory come from? I awoke this morning and these lines were streaming in my head:

Oh yes, I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

~Helen Reddy

Chögyam Trungpa

Last night I awoke at 1:49 am delighted by all the insights I'd been getting. The new sense of being with and perceiving myself and others in the context of love. A feeling as if the whole world is my messenger. Not just in pleasant but unpleasant situations. The feelings of resting in the space of neutrality. And the new strength and bravery I have in my willingness to sit with the uncomfortable, sticky, discomfort, the background hum. I am finding the words of Chögyam Trungpa understandable down to my toes. I was seeing all my teachers. I do not have one teacher. I have many. I have my dreams, Sharon Salzberg, Pema, Jack Kornfield, Chögyam, Amida Schmidt, nature, art, De Mello, Merton, Bear, my mom, my dad, Philip my co-worker, Ellen, all of them, everything, all the time teaching me.

Here is a recent post to Shambhala SunSpace Blog, "The Warrior Tradition: Conquering Fear," by Chögyam Trungpa

Here is just one of messages messages within the text of the article:

"The path of fearlessness is connected with what we do right now, today, rather than with anything theoretical or waiting for a cue from somewhere else. The basic vision of warriorship is that there is goodness in everyone. We are all good in ourselves. So we have our own warrior society within our own body. We have everything we need to make the journey already."