Beginning

I am floundering again. But I trust that it is good. The whole thing of who and what I am. What I think, what I've done all that is melting away. I am trusting that I am the ice who by nature is water. I am dissolving to who I truly am (not). Today's link from the Tricycle Blog was just what I needed. An actknowledgement of how I am feeling and then a way to work with it. The teacher or spiritual friend is important at this point. I am hoping Bill will be that but I must look at the Sangha more I feel. My isolation must end if I am to move further on this journey.

Fear is what happens when reality collides with our personal fiction. Our practice is based on expectations—expectations about who we are, why we are practicing, and what our practice should be. As our hope disintegrates, it may be replaced by fear. Our characteristics, personality, all of our beautiful plans and ideas are like snowflakes about to fall on the hot stone of our meditation practice.
-Lama Tsony, "Facing Fear," from the Fall 2006 Tricycle. Read the complete article.

I'm Right! There is nothing!

Today I stumbled into this article by Cynthia Thatcher which talks about the importance of striving for the present moment because once we see it for what it is, we can attain a true happiness beyond anything we could imagine. I often struggle with nihilism. The dreary mood I often find myself in because of this sense of the deeper I go the less I can hold onto and the more I feel I am loosing myself. I know this is the whole point of Vipassana. But when I really think about it I often go to that place of what's the point of living. I have been able to temper this in the last few months and can say the extreme ends of emotion and thought seems gradually to be moving to the middle way. Today in reading Cynthia's article gave me a better sense of these feelings and of a new direction to focus.

"To the mind with bare attention, even the suds in the dishpan—as their bubbles glint and wink in the light—are windows on a divine radiance. That's the myth. But the truth is almost the opposite: in fact, the more mindfulness we have, the less compelling sense-objects seem, until at last we lose all desire for them."

Read the article in its entirety. What's So Great About Now?

Why Me

The question of "why me", "why this body" has been popping into my head lately. In trying to filter an understanding of ego, the bodily experience is somewhat perplexing. I am often struck with how hard this whole path thing is. Yet it isn't hard really, it is the process it takes for us to finally let go of preconcieved ideas, as they arise, that often makes me think I am haphazardly stumbling along and it is only luck that pushes me to the next level of understanding and clarity.
I am reading an article from Tricycle Magazine The Buddhist Review. In my effort to grasp it's profundity, I am linking to it here. I should not want to ever lose this new feeling arising from this article.
Touching Enlightenment by Reggie Ray Spring 2006

Why

There is no Question

There just Is

Letting Go

Heaven may close my eyes

so I need to build my bridges.

And the other voice said,

"Then let go."

Contentment

Proof 

- this photo was taken at the Sierra Buttes in 2006. It was a mistake with the white balance. Ironically, (or more likely divinely) before I made the summit, I visualized myself reaching into the mountain for its wisdom. 

I haven't posted in a while because I have been feeling quite content. I am enjoying this sense of peace; a feeling of being content with my life that I am ready to go whenever. I am resting in a sense of love and metta. I have no wants or desires. I have seen all I needed to see, been everywhere I've wanted to go, done everything that I've needed to do. From here on out I know will be icing on the cake. I don't know when I'll come back to the blog but I have let this go too.

Be well my friend for 

All is well

Damaged Goods

Flower skeletons - Bridgeport State Park

That's how I'm feeling today. I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and feel pretty inadequate. I am seeing myself look for ways to feel better about why I feel so less than. I am amazed at how many people are able to look and question deep issues and find eloquent words to summarize their thoughts clearly. So the rest of us understand. 

Jealousy, anger, resentment, fear are all front and center tonight. I'm doing a lot of self talk. Motivating myself. I see my mind running after stories like it is no wonder I have such a hard time, my mom was drinking while I was incubating in the womb. Reading, writing, comprehending, and remembering are so hard for me. The things I read are so clear when I see them but give it a week or two and I can't remember a thing. Can one gain enlightenment if you can't remember what you've learned? Did you ever learn it if you can't remember it? 

Which makes me remember one new thing I have grasped in the last few days and that really is turning it over to God. With the volatility of my emotions, I have been praying for grace. I have been asking for God to help me with the emotions. It is working. And when I feel better I can feel myself taking it back. And then I remember and give it back to God. Much like the breath.

I've even dared myself to honestly try for 30 days to completely immerse myself in turning it over to God. I don't think you can... I mean working something really isn't beneficial but actively trying various things like prayer, meditation on a regular routine for 30 days might be an interesting experiment. We'll see. 

When Words Leave You

Recently I have been plagued with an inability to put into words the thoughts of my head. Or is it the thoughts in my head aren't clear enough to voice. I am trying to rest in the space of not doing anything. Perhaps why this is happening. So I can turn my will over.

Awareness vs Mind/Thought

This last two months has been a resurgence of what some might say is my mental illness. Triggered by the event of John telling me he had a message for me from a spirit (read past posts starting January 28 with Where to Begin) I have come around without major fallout (no hospital, or self-mutilation). I have been laying low. Not much reading. Meditation has been only on the breath. I am noticing the space as much as possible. A tool that works really well in calming my brain. Instead of noticing the tree, the house, the person - all objects of sight, I notice the space between everything (when it is snowing it is easy to see the space). It is here I find peace and quiet in the mind. Mind and Awareness are separate. Mind/Thought is of objects and Awareness is of space.

Ellen Bass

Today is reflective and somewhat low. This reading by Ellen Bass is appropriate:
Asking Directions In Paris

The Gifts of Easter Sunday

Morning meditation and prayer.

A run in the park and communing with the space.

A walk with Lynton. Warm talking and friendship in nature.

An amazing email from Bill that affirmed both Buddhist and Christian traditions in a way for me to embrace whole heartily.

An afternoon with the ladies complete with Easter Egg hunt and potluck.

Sweet intimacy with Bear

Popcorn

Evening Meditation & Prayer

It doesn't get any better than this

Thank you.

Grounding with Spring

Brodiaea-laxa


Busy Bee


Red Succulent

Today I came clean with Bear. Then I talked to Bill too. Bear knew I needed to get out in nature to get me grounded once again. It all worked. I feel back in my skin. My head has stopped reeling. Here are a few photos from the hike in Bridgeport State Park. It was beautiful.

Good Friday

Is not going unnoticed. Today is a commitment to my faith and that it will arise in me.

Holy Thursday

• Messages and noticings for this day:
  
  ::Nothing important is real
  ::Strong pull to Jesus
• ::Notice Gary Thomas book Beautiful Fight at the gym
  ::License Plate - Erudite
  ::Pen in the jeep - first baptist church (nevada city)
  ::Dharma Seed talk by Sylvia Boorstein (I just happened to pick this since it was her most recent talk)
  ::Drop God as a concept. Embrace God as an experience. (from the talk above)
• ::Finished the evening listening to Mary Roach talk about her book Bonk

A Healing Dream

Frank Day - Konkow Maidu Indian Artist 1902-1976

Photo by Robert Schell 1973

I was ready to be on my way but I was with a young Maidu man, probably in his late thirties or early forties, who reminded me that we needed to say good-bye to the elders. He told me they had wanted to see me. They wanted to meet me. I was honored but wondered why would the elders wanted to meet me?

We were outside in a heavily treed forest of big cedar and dougfir. No ponderosa pines in this setting. Probably 3000 to 3500' in elevation by the feel of it. It was dark from shade with occasional diamond shafts of sunlight peaking through to the ground.

We headed down a dirt drive which lead to the side of well camouflaged house that was long and skinny. It blended in with the trees and side hill because it was brown and had a dark roof. We walked in the small front door. The young Maidu was ahead of me and had turned to the elders and told them I was there to say good-bye. I could not see them because the entrance was in a walled alcove. I walked forward and turned to my left to say hello but when I saw the group I felt it no need to say the words. Two large Maidu men stood at the end of the room who had been seated on the corner sectional couch. The Maidu man straight ahead locked into my eyes with his and smiled making me feel welcome and at home.

The room was in dark paneling and the windows had yellow brown curtains. I quickly glanced to my right and passed a couple on another couch along the wall. It looked like they were watching porno on a TV but I did not feel the need to check for sure or pass judgement. I could feel them look up at me. I didn't feel judged but expected. They were talking quietly and the TV was down low next to the arm of the couch.

As I moved forward toward the Smiling Maidu, I noticed a third older Maidu man standing on the right side of the sectional couch. He had moved slightly so I could make my way around a coffee table toward the Smiling Maidu. I could feel the floor hollow underneath me. The home was not sturdy but felt more like an old mobile. I began to feel afraid because I realized I was in this place with men I did not know. I said something to try and break the tension. No one responded but they looked at each other like they knew something I didn't. I felt they were teasing me and said something to that effect. The Smiling Maidu looked at me with outstretched arms and said "Patty we won't ever want to tease you."

He leaned forward and bent slightly to hug me. His chest went into my upper chest. Our heart chakras touched. He wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped mine around him. He held me like a father and took a deep breath. As he breathed in so did I. He exhaled deeply ever slightly pulling me tighter into his heart. The exhale was unusually long and I felt myself try to loosen my hug to indicate I was ready to stop the hug but he continued to hold me tight. We held our exhaled breath for a few seconds and then he release quickly snapping me away from him by grabbing my arms at the shoulder and pushing me back to arms length. He looked deeply into my eyes. I felt at peace and warmed by such an endearing hug from an Maidu Indian.

I turned round toward my left and there was my young Maidu friend there with outstretched arms ready to give me a hug. He did the same thing and this time knowing what to expect I fully gave my breath to him. As we exhaled together I felt my heart chakra rise with energy and it was as if all the sadness of my life was being pulled out of me from that spot. I could not hold it back and I began to sob from the depths of my soul. The young Maidu released me to the wind. The room opened up and filled with air and lightness. Not light but lightness. I fell to the ground drooling with grief and knew I was being healed. They had opened me up for the healing.

I had assumed Smiling Maidu was the tribal leader but as I lay there sobbing I knew at once the older Maidu was standing behind me and he was doing the healing. As I realized this I was waking and could not turn fast enough to see him. I awoke sobbing and continued to sob.

I collected myself from the dream state and thought perhaps I should wake Bear. I decided not to since she had had a restless nights sleep the night before. As I collected my emotions together I could not help but think that the older man was Maidu Indian, Frank Day coming to be my messenger. Is he my Dakini? There is unfinished business here.

What happened to the sniper?

This question awoke me from dead sleep at some point early in the morning hours when dream teachers most often wake me. Loud and clear. What happened to the sniper? I must have been dreaming about Bill and his Vietnam experience.

In 1969 he had been shot in the jaw while trying to rescue some guys who were down. His buddy and fellow medic was reaching to bandage his wound when he was shot through the eye by the same sniper. Bill laid there in and out of consciousness and over the course of an hour listened to Mike die. Then he proceeded to get up and crawl to help the two he originally was trying to save in the first place. During that crawl he got shot two more times.

I often think about his ordeal especially now that Bill has shaved his beard. He claims so people won't automatically assume he is old enough to get the senior discount. I want to touch his face. I can see the scar on his chin and the surgical scars on his neck. I want to touch him to feel he is okay and here and real. I want to touch him and have him tell me the whole story and for him to know that I hear him and feel his light.

So what does the dream teacher want me to learn? What happened to the sniper? I began to think and wanted to get up and email Bill the question. Was he killed? Was he incinerated in a bomb blast? Was he a Father? Was she a Mother? Was it a Child? What was the sniper thinking? Was she afraid? Was he afraid for his family that the American GI's would kill them? What atrocities had the sniper seen? I wondered what Bill thought about the sniper.

Then the next question came. What happened to Bill's molester? I wanted to know what that man thought that pushed him to sodomize Bill when he was such a young boy? What happened to the molester to make him do those things?

And then the question came for me. What happened to Herb? My molester?

Why don't I care what happened to him?

God! Please take me now!

I cried and went to sleep asking God to take me.

Trinity

Form, Breath, Love
Father, Mother, Child

Buddha, Dharma, Sangha

Father, Son, Holy Spirit

Red, Blue, Green

Earth, Air, Space

I went to Church today

On Thursday I had to work the registration table for Family Law Day in the Court House in Nevada City. As I walked to the car at the end of the day, I walked past the front of First Baptist Church. On the sign out front was the notice of the title for Sunday's sermon, "Relational Experiences with God". The Service would be at 10:30 am. At that moment it became as if God were talking to me. I must go to that sermon.

It is with hesitancy I write the following but, I feel to keep this journal about my spiritual journey complete, it must be written. I must first thank Thomas Merton, who admits in his book, Seven Storey Mountain, that for those of us who are unaccustomed to the life of the faithful, the admittance of wanting to go to work on a relationship with God can be quite embarrassing. And I must thank Buddhism for allowing me to touch love of self deeply and fully for the first time in my life. For between Buddhism and Merton I have found a way to my awakened heart. In the last two weeks I have found my pride and ego cringe, my thoughts and actions are kept from friends and relatives and even the thought that I once again might be going a bit crazy has crossed my mind - For the urgent, excited yearning to explore a relationship with God through the Church is so strong within me, I feel I am being called. And for this I am embarrassed. Like Peter who denies Christ three times.

Meditation is now coupled with prayer. I mean honest, concerted. intentional prayer to God and not just the expansive light of the in-breath. I have had an overwhelming urge to become a nun. Buddhist or Catholic. It has been as if a whole new world of possibility, creation and love has opened up to me. It is as if I have been in the cave and have now ventured out into the light. I am awake and alive. I am calm and overpowered by the mystical observations in the ordinary.

And so on Friday morning I told Bear I thought I might like to go to Church on Sunday. She was upset I think because of her own prejudices with her Church experiences. But I was steadfast and adamant. I do remember saying a little prayer. I can't remember if it was for me to honor my pull to attend or if it was for Bear to approve of my new God quest. Perhaps it was for both. But on Saturday morning, with a drastically changed attitude, she said she wanted to go with me. It was a small miracle.

So this morning I awoke excited. I was able to meditate and rest in my breath fairly easily. My mind was calm. We both went for our morning run and I was on the trail feeling the spirit of God move and speak clearly in me. I had many questions and desires but most were for Bill (my therapist) and his eyesight (he has macular degeneration and is peril of completely losing his sight at any time). Before I knew it I was at the end of the run and I felt pleasantly winded. We got ready to go without a hitch and even though Bear had a slight cold coming on, she still wanted to go and even herself proclaimed her excitement that once again her girlfriend was taking her on an adventure. And you know something? I just realized the accident. Now maybe I am taking this to the extreme but as we were coming into the Nevada City we had just passed under the Sacramento St. overpass approaching the Broad St. exit when a blue Honda pilot in the left lane and swerved quickly to try and make the Broad St. exit. They hit the sand containers in front of the cement barrier and the vehicle was safely deflected forward and continued off the off ramp and were able to drive to a parking lot at the bottom of the Broad St. Intersection. I had wanted to go see if they were okay. I could tell they were in shock, but more of an adrenaline shock not impact shock. Bear said no they would be okay. The whole driver's side front was totally wrecked. They were very lucky. Was it God protecting us all so Bear and I could get to the service? No. Stuff happens. Buddhism has taught me that. It is our ability to be mindful of the moment and to rest in the unknowable unknown with all that it brings to our awareness.

And so today we walked into the First Baptist Church in Nevada City. I felt like I came home. We were welcomed warmly. We found a seat about midway down. Vivian was sitting in the pew in front of us and got up and walked over to greet us. She told us she was the oldest member. She was 95. Margie came and started answering Bear's questions regarding what this church did. She told us they studied the bible. No rituals. Just simply studied the bible. That excited me. Fred sat behind us and helped me find Acts 2:42-47 since I had no idea where to look. The pastor, Bill Romell's talk was filled with auspicious coincidences. Talking of the importance of prayer to build and cultivate a relationship with God. In part of his story he talked of Judas in the context of Mathais being his replacement. Bear and I looked at each other with "the look" knowing of my previous struggle with the story of Judas Iscariot. He talked of salvation by Grace. And that our efforts without God makes our life frustrating and fruitless. These are all realizations I have been having this week. And what was so amazing was that I was calm, not overly excited, I felt a part of. I didn't feel stupid. I did however have one thing that ate at me. Would they accept me for who I am as a lesbian. Could I become a part of something that had to do with the Church if I was gay. I felt that shameful Mara rise up in me. But tonight I have let it go. I will trust in God's process of finding The Way.

Bill Larsen

Bill is my sage. He is a wounded healer. He specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with a personal knowledge of sexual abuse and Vietnam war. He uses meditation as a healing tool for me. Here are some of his words to me in email back and forth:

Staying in contact with yourself is the key,

and anytime it starts to get too uncomfortable,

or starting to snowball emotionally,

let it go.

Mindfulness and self-compassion

in the moment is the key,

I'd say.

Making the Fortress-House into a Home

The title is words from J. Denosky (who is an enigma, but has numerous site on the web with regard to supernatural and metaphysical phenomena). I believe I read it in the story "The Life of Kira". But this sums up my transformation this past two weeks. Really coming to grips with ego attachment and how the habit of Fortress-House has been perpetuated in my mind. The release of ego by asking for God's grace is now a felt sense. One I was not previously aware of. My noble efforts to "figure out" what makes me tick, were in vain. I was trying to find God, Buddhanature, the Christ within which is an impossible task. One that can make you literally crazy. But perhaps it was the way for me because now after reaching complete surrender I was able to relax into letting Love help me. I had hammered, clawed, bitten and strained trying to find God, all to no avail. It was the surrender that allowed me to feel the grace, love and emptiness of a moment. Fleeting as it was in memory, there remains the bodily memory which shall sustain me and keep me open and willing to strive in the direction of the Awakened Heart or Home. The grasping Fortress-House of ego is now tame. Pain, love, happiness, sadness - all things are free to come and go from the Home. This is who I truly am.

Lord show me the way

Keep me safe in mind and body

Your greatest gift to me

has been free will.

May I continue to receive your grace

turning my will over to you

until it is yours

May you know that I yearn to

share with others

so they too may come to dwell in the

Home of Awakened Heart

Monks and Bodhisattvas

This is a 4 minute audio clip of Thomas Merton. It may just change your life. Do you have 4 minutes?

The Awakened Heart

This is a talk of Jack Kornfield from November 2008 about pointing the compass of our heart. It is 64 minutes. Do you have an hour? It may change your life.

The Bodhisattva Leader 

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Last night was another of tossing, anxiety, doubt, embarrassment and shame. For I have been pressed to relive moments of the past in the light. At 2:36 am rose out of bed. Trying to calm my head by resting in love. I sat before the fire place and had a tremendous urge to pray. I crumpled in prayer not really knowing what to say or ask but when I reached in my heart I asked with God to help me find His love. Tears began to pour forth as I finally let go of my will and sincerely asked for God to give me His grace. I asked for Jordon too. I asked that He give us all His Grace. Quickly the tears subsided and I went back to bed. I felt relaxed and relieved. This morning I woke to these words. "Surrender your will and your life to the care of God". I came to my room and pulled the Bible out of the box it has been in since I received it last summer. Wanda's mentioning Corinthians the other day spoke to me and so I looked in the index. There are two books. Which do I choose? Surrendering my will I landed upon 2 Corinthians and this is part of what I read:

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Today happens to be the feast of St. Patrick. St. Patty's Day. Thank you to all who have helped me.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I have been thinking of my early recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I found my spirituality through AA, a higher power, God. I truly came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have been having a resurfacing of doubt partly because my Buddhist rock has been shaken by the strong yearning to know God. The other part is that of my sensitivity to others suffering and doubt which makes me feel hopeless, which make me want to fix them and when I have shared in deep personal ways makes me think that the only way to connect with someone is through sexual intimacy. Desperation, turns to despair, which turns to hopelessness, which is now turning to sexual desire. Another level of escape. I am seeing too though how this is just another play of the ego. The urgency to fix the feelings. Finding the way, the answers. Always searching. Anyway, I remembered in meditation this prayer which I carried with me for a long time when I was introduced to it by Father Tom Weston at a LGBT AA Retreat in Los Gatos. It is called the Prayer of Trust and was written by a Jesuit priest to a young student:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God

We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something new;

and yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability -----

and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually ----

let them grow, let them shape themselves,

without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,

as though acting on your own,

you will make your own tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give him the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Isn't that just wonderful! Trust in the anxiety of feeling in suspense and incomplete. Trust in groundlessness.

Henry David Thoreau

Reflecting on my session with my therapist and the emotions that came with a follow-up email from him, this mornings meditation brought the memory of when I first heard the words of Thoreau. I was a junior in high school. I'm not sure if my grandmother had died yet or not but it was the first time I heard the truth about how I was feeling. It was the first time I read it in black and white. The thoughts that were crawling through my teenage brain suddenly were affirmed. What if the hokey pokey is all it is about?

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation."

~Walden (1854), Henry David Thoreau

The comments post email communications between my therapist and myself over the course of some pretty emotional days for me.

Thomas Merton

Within the last 2 weeks, I have had a yearning to discover more about God. I thought I had given that up. Buddhist psychology seemed to have given me a new spiritual foundation  that I have been definitely finding refuge in. Last night I started part II of Thomas Merton's, The Seven Storey Mountain and it was unbelievable. Here is a quote that got me totally excited:

"There is in every intellect a natural exigency for a true concept of God: we are born with the thirst to know and see Him, and therefore it cannot be otherwise."

Helen Reddy

In the eighth grade, unlike the other kids who were into Led Zepllin, Elton John and the Bee Gees, my idols were Neil Diamond and Helen Reddy. I loved them. Secretly, I loved Helen Reddy more. My two favorite songs, ironically, Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show and I Am Woman. Kind of where I am today torn between the Christ and the Buddhanature. Where did this memory come from? I awoke this morning and these lines were streaming in my head:

Oh yes, I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

~Helen Reddy

Chögyam Trungpa

Last night I awoke at 1:49 am delighted by all the insights I'd been getting. The new sense of being with and perceiving myself and others in the context of love. A feeling as if the whole world is my messenger. Not just in pleasant but unpleasant situations. The feelings of resting in the space of neutrality. And the new strength and bravery I have in my willingness to sit with the uncomfortable, sticky, discomfort, the background hum. I am finding the words of Chögyam Trungpa understandable down to my toes. I was seeing all my teachers. I do not have one teacher. I have many. I have my dreams, Sharon Salzberg, Pema, Jack Kornfield, Chögyam, Amida Schmidt, nature, art, De Mello, Merton, Bear, my mom, my dad, Philip my co-worker, Ellen, all of them, everything, all the time teaching me.

Here is a recent post to Shambhala SunSpace Blog, "The Warrior Tradition: Conquering Fear," by Chögyam Trungpa

Here is just one of messages messages within the text of the article:

"The path of fearlessness is connected with what we do right now, today, rather than with anything theoretical or waiting for a cue from somewhere else. The basic vision of warriorship is that there is goodness in everyone. We are all good in ourselves. So we have our own warrior society within our own body. We have everything we need to make the journey already."

Despite the Voices

As I lay awake this morning the message came from within me. Despite the voices in my head (Mara), despite the messages I thought I was getting from the outside world (Jesus), I always listened to the voice within (buddhanature, Christ within). If the moral of Judas' story is that he had a choice, it wasn't the choice of betraying Jesus for the money, it was that he had a choice to listen to that space of love within himself. That instead of running away from the pain and uneasiness we can choose to stay with it. To turn and face it, offer ourselves to it, to climb down the monsters throat and watch it dissolve.

We can let circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.

~ Pema Chödrön

Judas and the Butterfly

The story of Judas as the betrayer had me riled up this last week. As Pema would say I was completely hooked. In the story of Jesus, from the Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ, I was pretty much enjoying the correlations I was finding between my learnings and understandings found in Buddhism and this Christian story. But as I read further, I became irritated and angry with Jesus. His insistence on faith, his abandonment of John the Harbinger and finally he actually told Judas to go kill himself. I know it is just a story, but too many people on this earth believe in this story. We have wars, discrimination and fear over this story; it is taken as absolute truth. I don't get it. How can people not question this story? Even I believe that God loves us all as his children and would not tell any of us that we are so wrong that we should go kill ourselves.

I too am feeling anger over my unanswered prayers as a child. A child's unanswered prayers, are an atrocity in my book. My prayers never made it past the ceiling. Reading this story made me remember my anger with God, with my parents, my teachers and doctors. No one was willing to step up to the plate and address the abuse. All turned a blind eye. This created a deep penetrating sense of abandonment and isolation...a sense that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. This despair turned inward for me. I was not an exploder, I was an imploder. At the age of 12 I held a gun to my head but it was my brothers voice that brought me back. At the age of 20, razor blades but I was too drunk and passed out. And at 45 pills but collapsed in a heap and was checked into a hospital. To me Judas was the brave one. He did it. I was the coward. I never had the nerve to make the final cut (Pink Floyd song).

So this silly story really got to me. It brought up a bunch of stuff. Yesterday, I met with Bill and we talked a little bit about the cognitive side but we didn't really get the the emotion. Before I left he gave me the story of the young girl who finds a cocoon and sees inside a butterfly struggling to get out. She wants to help and tears open the cocoon to let the butterfly out. But it keels over and dies. He said you see the butterfly survives because of its struggle to get out. The fight to get out strengthens its wings so it can fly. This is the only way it can live. A very good story don't you think. But I left his office raw. Which brings me back to why Buddhism has become my source of inner strength. It has given me something I have never had or perhaps I should say I could not find. It is pushing me to reclaim my innate buddhanature within. I am seeing the habitual thinking patterns and I am gently practicing renunciation. And I am touching that love for the first time. I really really down to my toes am touching this love that is who I am. And I cry and let go and at the same moment I want to share that love but wonder why it is so damn hard to find and feel hopeless and angry. Why does it have to be so hard.

But I digress. What I wanted to say is that after leaving Bill's office I felt raw. I was still wondering why Jesus and God guilted Judas into killing himself. And then it came to me ever so gently. Not like a smack upside the head but this gentle settling in of a smile. Judas did kill himself. I didn't. I was saved by my own love for myself. What I have always felt was cowardice for not going through with my plan was really my buddhanature coming forth. I had chosen love each time. Living with suicidal thoughts is perhaps the most harrowing thing I have ever done and it came to me that this is the bravery that Pema and Trungpa talk about. That each time Mara presented me with doubt, fear and anxiety, I have been able to say "Mara I see you." And when Mara says, "Who do you think you are to deserve this love?" I have reached to the earth as my witness. The earth is my witness that I am worthy, I am brave, I am on the path.

From Audacity of Hope

If we fail to help, we diminish ourselves.

Barack Obama

Serendipity

So being still somewhat reflective yesterday but not nearly as emotional as I was on Tuesday, I tapped into the Shambhala SunSpace Blog. I scrolled down and saw an article about Sharon Salzberg - To Love Abundantly by Trish Deitch Rohrer. I relate so much with Sharon. Trish does an excellent job of capturing Salzberg and incorporates her observations as well as commentary from folks like Joseph Goldstein, Ram Dass and another of my favorites Amita Schmidt. Sharon's book, Faith, is one of my all time favorites. This article was published just after Faith came out in 2003.  Anyway, it was perfect to hear her talk of her mindset, struggles and desires. But the quote that hit home for me and summed up my feelings these last few days was this:

"That in order to be free from suffering - and therefore to be able to give abundantly to others - one must endeavor to love oneself abundantly."

To read the article in its entirety, click here.

Touching Love of Self

Soon after my last post and just before going to bed, I had the realization that my guardedness was a habit. A habit of thought, reaction, posturing. What was different with this realization was that I didn't beat myself up for this inbred habit, but down to my toes believed that through my practice I could change this habit. The positive spin Carolyn had put on my understanding of fear-that my sense of fear was really awareness with a guarded quality- again set in motion my yearning to want to learn to change. I went to bed wondering how I could relax this guardedness.

I awoke a bit before 3 am. Awoke myself with a start, I was in the midst of a lesson. This will be my third such lesson I have received from the dream state. I was being taken back, remembering when my mother had died and the guilty feelings I had realizing that in fact mom had died miserable and lonely and this sense of rage I had with God for letting this happen. I had known all my life that if my mom didn't get what she needed she would die before her time. I knew it. I had tried everything in my power to take care of her, but short of moving in to be her care taker and provider, this would not happen. So what I had feared probably from infancy had indeed happened.

And then I was pushed to a remembering of when Crystal died. From the moment we had learned of her terminal prognosis, I knew she would be afraid of death. Every week I would ask her if she was afraid and for almost nine months she would adamantly reiterate that she was not afraid. This insistence on her part had me fully coming to believe and admire her heroic journey through the death process. But a week before she died she lay in bed and I beside her. She turned to me and said "Patty I don't feel a thing, I don't feel God" My heart broke. I tried to console her but I had no words for I myself had lost that connection with God. I put my arm around her and we quietly cried. From that point on she suffered from what Hospice called "Terminal Agitation". It had gotten to the point where she asked me to kill her with an overdose of morphine. I was so empathetic with her suffering that I told her I would help. Hospice figured this out and was swift with intervention. They drugged her up, brought the chaplain in, and took me to the side to say that this was not the way. Crystal died but the thought of the fear she felt remained burning with me.

In the span of about five minutes, these rememberings put me smack dab in the middle of my most intense fears which in turn made me realize the guarded nature I had felt for most of my life. The sense of suffering we go through when we contemplate our mortality. I had even realized how this knowledge or groundlessness of not really knowing what happens after we die and the fear of losing our (ego) self was the basis of drive in my life. I had written a small poem about it.

Heaven may close my eyes

So I need to build my bridges

I got out of bed and had to go cry hard. I cried deeply at the arising of this old pain but as I cried and stayed with the pain I became gradually aware of my own beautifully deep sensitivity for others pain. And for a moment I felt my buddhanature, my bodhisattva and that indeed fear and love where two sides of the same coin. I experienced for the first time ever in my life a profound sense of love for who I was as a person.

For the next hour I sat, in and out of meditation riding the realizations I was having. I felt an acceptance of my intuitive self. I no longer saw myself as an emotional basket case. I began to get a sense of purpose and understanding about the happenings of my life and the dots began to connect and take shape as my path within the dharma of this my life time.

I became acutely aware I needed to share with my father the love I felt from him as a young infant when he would come home from work and hold me over his heart and rock me in the rocking chair for an hour each night. How he had saved me from my postpartum alcoholic mother who refused to hold me and give me love the first months of my life. I knew that my father felt really really bad for abandoning my brother and me. I needed to let him know that that love was his redemption. That he no longer needed to feel the guilt. That love he shared with me then was in fact who he is now. I could forgive him for leaving us with her, my mother, the raging, abusive, alcoholic, nightmare. As I sat I felt his suffering and knew it to be real and now. I needed to break through my fear and uncomfortableness and share this with him now. On February 1, he turned 72. I need to spend time with my daddy.

Finally, I felt the suffering and fear my partner feels about being alone. And I knew the burn of anxiety that races through her body when she senses her aloneness. I did not know what to do but to continue to meet her, to be with her in the moment and make her feel that I am her with her now.

I crawled back to bed about 4:30 and half dozed until the alarm went off at 5. I arose exhausted but relaxed. For the rest of the day I was teary eyed at this acceptance of self and love I had found beneath the waves of fear. That even though I have been ice, my nature is water. That even though I have been frozen with fear and guardedness my nature is of the Buddha... buddhanature. I am beginning to melt.

Carolyn Rose Gimian

Yesterday I posted a question to her via the Shambhala SunSpace Blog. I asked her to talk more on groundlessness and how it relates to fear. Today she posted a response that I felt was very perceptive. She noted that my state of mind had a guarded quality and suggested I relax that "slightly".  Her response can be read in its entirety. I found it amazing that based on my question she picked up on my urgency and anxiety regarding the terror I often feel. It came to me that being raised by an alcoholic could have a little to do with that mind set. The way she said guarded is something I can work with in my daily awarenesses. In fact perhaps we can talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

Cool Weirdness

I'm going to go to the internet and read about this Maitreya now.  This life is so interesting. I love it!

John

"For lo unto ye a man has come"... 

These are the words I heard after my meditation tonight. I was pulled to write them here. I have the ... to indicate there is more to follow. 

So last week I spun myself out of control, used meditation to find my center again, called and visited my therapist to hash it over and look at the good of the experience and within a few days felt right back to normal. Good work for me. Strengthening my confidence. The romance associated with psychic phenomenon is and has been another core issue for me throughout my life. But I have also had a strong fear of it too. Nothing really in this life has happened which would raise such a guard for me so I have always felt perhaps in a past life some how the psychic path ended not so well for me. In the last two years I have had amazing things happen which have been a test to my sanity. Literally. So the "over reaction" to last weeks anticipation at being given a message from my dead Grandmother brought up a whirlpool of emotions. Finding buddhism has been a godsend. (Is that an irony or what?) Here in much of the literature and talks I've been to are sane, rational, spiritual people talking about the reality of "unseen forces" about images and voices but the emphases is on de-emphasizing these phenomenon. Treat them like the wondering mind, with kindness, gentleness and bring yourself back to the breath. Even when you are completely lost gently come back to the breath. This is sage advice for this ego clinging, want-to-be psychic, householder.  

Okay, so the books John had given me last Wednesday, didn't resonate at all with me. I mean if the books had been about Edgar Cayce talking about his experiences of tapping into his psychic abilities, what he did to connect to ground etc I would have been all over it. But instead these were accounts of his readings and their content. I did however hear the possibility that if this was a message from my grandmother that perhaps my dad or brother would be interested in the books so when I met with them over the weekend for my dad's 72nd birthday lunch, I handed them off. I was surprised they both took the books but I think they just wanted to make me feel good. We'll see. 

Okay so I'm going along meditating doing everything fine when Wednesday (one week later) John is there in the parking lot in his red and white truck. My heart sank. I did not want to talk to him. But I took a breath and composed myself and was able to go up and talk to him. He asked what I felt of the books and I was honest and told him they didn't resonate with me but that I had given them to my father and brother just in case we were only messengers. He agreed with that. Then he reached over in the cab of his truck and grabbed another book and handed to me. I saw words Jesus Christ on the cover and could feel myself shut down again. God definitely is out of the picture for me these days and never have I even had an urge to study the bible or any of that stuff. My spiritual connection with God earlier in my life came from AA. It was clean and pure and most of all it worked. I was able to believe that a power greater than myself would restore me to sanity. But 20 years later, staying sober really not an issue anymore, there were just too many holes in the God thing. This is how I found Buddhism in the spring of 2007 (which is another kind of "unseen forces" story), took a formal meditation class in the fall and now here I am sitting at least 10 minutes every day, reading everything I can get my hands on and finally feeling peace. I have come home. 

So John hands me this book called "The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ" by Levi Dowling. He told me to have an open mind. I reluctantly took the book. That night I started to read thinking I would skim a few pages here and there and then just give it back in a week or so but what instead I found was an interesting story that actually I understood and enjoyed. I kind of somehow forgot about the Bible thing and was able to get in to the story. I read far enough to realize that the book was going to tell the story of Jesus and of a man called John the Harbinger. I had to look up harbinger. I went to bed smiling at myself. The following morning I was in and out of the realization that a man named John had given me this book. I also remembered that in the Summer of 2007 a concerned friend gave me The Living Water Edition of the Holy Bible and had requested that I read the book of John, he had thoughtfully placed the cloth tassel bookmark at it's place in the New Testament. So easy for my brain to go flying off the handle with thoughts of grandeur of being a chosen one. To receive a message. But I breathed in and calmed down and instead picked up the book and began to read some more. Well, it is amazing at the similarities between what I have learned in Buddhism and this Gospel. Now I am not going to go off and go to church but it really is fun for me to read to have it resonate. What is really weird is that I went on to the internet to read about this Levi Dowling and found this site where it talks that....are you ready for this.... Jesus during his travels had a guide, a spirit guide, guess who? Maitreya.  Is this just to weird? But I like it. 

Okay so what do you think? What do you think the words at the top of this post (that I heard after my meditation) mean?  

Historical Day

Today I got an email from President Obama. I got an email from him. When was the last time some one got an email from the President? What was inspiring is that he called us to action and gave us a means of carrying out the mission. 

Check it out: What Recovery Means To You

Update

Bill called. He was glad I had called and had noticed my racing thoughts from our earlier session this week. He and I have an appointment for Tuesday. In the mean time he reiterated what I have already said. But hearing his words the connection with another person other than my partner is comforting. Sangha. He told me to breath into the earth. Know this is real but not to buy into it.

Hooked

I am spinning and have called Bill. I need help in grounding but feel okay to practice myself. I am hearing Pema's words of refraining. I am not stopping the rush of feelings but trying to let them pass on by like a ticker tape. She talked about Dzigar Kongtrül teachings on shenpa. Recognizing when we are hooked. I find therapy helps me with the content of my thoughts and buddhism works at cutting the root. This is a root issue for me. Psychic stuff. I am working to find ground in the groundless...if that makes sense.

I Got Them

Two books not one. John was there in his white and red truck. We exchanged a few words. These are by Robert J. Grant. "The Place We Call Home" and "Universe of Worlds"

It's Time

Breathe, swim.... laugh out loud

An Hour to Go

What will it be... the book? Is it a message for me. Or am I to be the messenger for my dad and brother? Shenpa!

Trust in the buddhanature... swim... feel that it holds me...feel the thoughts dissolve.

Where To Begin?

So many things have happened in the last few weeks. A profound change in my thinking. The messages are becoming overwhelming, fun, delightful, mysterious... a little bit of everything. Through this I am trying to rest in my new thought processing mechanism and that is as if I am in a giant swimming pool of buddhanature mind energy. More on this in a minute.

What I am looking forward to right now...but again trying not to grasp or cling... is an older man who I know only as an aquaintance met me in the parking lot yesterday on my way to lunch. He asked me if I knew and Adelle or Adaline. I asked for him to give me a context. He said a friend or a relative. I could not recall any one by that name. He said that he was told by them to give me a book. I really raked my brain since I am not good with names at all. No nothing. He said well I don't know if you believe in this stuff or not but have you ever gone into a trance and gotten messages? I was neither skeptical or to enthused but I did say yes. No trance for me but I definitely have gotten messages and heard voices. He said well they told me, demanded I get you this book that I have. Then he said that it has to do with death and what happens after we die. Talk about stop me dead in my tracks. No pun intended there. But the night before I had just watched my movie Proof. And that is my main quest...question... why can't we know what happens after we die. Anyway, my brain has been running with this and thinking back and at 12:30 he is supposed to be out in the parking lot to give me the book. By the way, when I realized he was getting messages I asked him if it could be Madaline? He said that the hair on the back of his neck went up so that must be who it was who wanted me to have the book. Madaline is my grandmother on my Father's side. What a fun story to share with him and my brother (since we don't talk about this kind of stuff... it would be fun to see their reaction).

So more about swimming in buddhanature energy. If I am... really just buddhanature love, wisdom, and all then trying to float in that space and let thoughts and emotions float on past is what I need to be trying to do. So, I am pretending that I am in a giant swimming pool and the water is the space and everyone I see and everything I feel is like my thoughts and emotions. And as I move through space/water that is buddhanature and it is mainly what there is around me. Buddhanature is space and like the feeling of water it is holding me. It is comforting and it makes me a part of everything else in the pool. I feel my heart chakra expand. Oh and words... have you ever been able to hear someone under water? No. So words have really no place other than sound. I can't attach meaning to them. Anyway....more to follow after lunch.

The Noble Leader

I just read an article online in the Shambhala Sun; a discussion between Pema Chödrön and her teacher, Dzigar Kongtrül. The article was written in January of 2006 but I found a correlation in Dzigar Kontrül words between the difference in self-centeredness verses buddhnature of mind and to the upcoming transition from President Bush to President Elect Obama.

"This innate love is a powerful force that is now being led by a completely noble, incredibly dignified leader. Before, this powerful force, an army with the richness of a whole kingdom behind it and the loyalty of the subjects, was being led by a crooked king, and that crookedness created a state of confusion that spread everywhere. When that crooked leader is replaced by a noble leader, with a genuine sense of dignity, everyone in the kingdom can reap the benefit of the positive qualities that are the basic nature of the kingdom in the first place.

The noble leader is altruistic mind, and the crooked leader is self-centeredness. Self reflection is what discriminates between the qualities of self-centeredness of the bad leader and the altruistic mind of the good leader."

While I don't like all of the analogies referencing battles and good verses bad, I do find a connection between the "battle" I have with seeing the good or noble basis of who I am and my ego's persistent effort to survive. My ego operates out of fear, reacting to external input rather than relying on my built-in internal buddhanature mind to find clarity. Further in the article, he talks about overcoming this ego-based self-hatred by directing loving-kindness to our mind not to self. This is a profoundly moving concept for me.

This weekend in particular, I have been mindful of our country's Presidential transition. I feel we are transitioning from a fear-based leader or as Dzigar Kontrül notes a self-centered crooked leader to an altruistic noble leader. I know he is not referencing Bush and Obama but I like being able to connect the feeling of what he is saying with a real life experience for myself. At no other time in my life have I felt such a perceptible difference in Political leaders as I have with this election. Obama is different. He is based in loving-kindness. He operates from that space. I feel I will be able to learn many lessons in the next four years from our noble leader. "Everyone in the kingdom will reap the positive qualities that are the basic nature of the kingdom in the first place."

Unrequited Love

My longing for bodhichitta - my longing for awakened heart/mind - contains the passion, sorrow, and soulful ache of unrequited love.

"It isn't easy to say what bodhicitta is. If you looked it up in a buddhist dictionary, it would say something like: ' The heartfelt longing or wish or aspiration to awaken fully, so that you could benefit sentient beings. ' " - Pema Chodron, Shambhala Sun May 2004

New Year's Dream

I was in an jetliner that was going down. It was going to crash. I was holding tight to the armrests and I was in complete terror knowing I was going to die. I kept saying "I'm going to die, I'm going to die" and then I remembered my practice and I found my breath. And then the thought came that even though it was eminent I was going to die it wasn't going to be right then. There was a release of the fear for a moment. And then I woke up -- I was wide awake.