Listen for the answer

Tonight in prayer the question came to me, "Why did the molestation happen to me? What was the reason for me? What was the reason for him?" There was no emotional pain with these questions tonight. Just wondering why like why do trees loose their leaves in the winter type questions. I watched my brain take off starting to play out different scenarios when rather quickly a voice came to me and said, "Stop and listen. Be still with your mind. Let it rest and listen for the answer. It is there as it always has been."

Contentment

Proof 

- this photo was taken at the Sierra Buttes in 2006. It was a mistake with the white balance. Ironically, (or more likely divinely) before I made the summit, I visualized myself reaching into the mountain for its wisdom. 

I haven't posted in a while because I have been feeling quite content. I am enjoying this sense of peace; a feeling of being content with my life that I am ready to go whenever. I am resting in a sense of love and metta. I have no wants or desires. I have seen all I needed to see, been everywhere I've wanted to go, done everything that I've needed to do. From here on out I know will be icing on the cake. I don't know when I'll come back to the blog but I have let this go too.

Be well my friend for 

All is well

Damaged Goods

Flower skeletons - Bridgeport State Park

That's how I'm feeling today. I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and feel pretty inadequate. I am seeing myself look for ways to feel better about why I feel so less than. I am amazed at how many people are able to look and question deep issues and find eloquent words to summarize their thoughts clearly. So the rest of us understand. 

Jealousy, anger, resentment, fear are all front and center tonight. I'm doing a lot of self talk. Motivating myself. I see my mind running after stories like it is no wonder I have such a hard time, my mom was drinking while I was incubating in the womb. Reading, writing, comprehending, and remembering are so hard for me. The things I read are so clear when I see them but give it a week or two and I can't remember a thing. Can one gain enlightenment if you can't remember what you've learned? Did you ever learn it if you can't remember it? 

Which makes me remember one new thing I have grasped in the last few days and that really is turning it over to God. With the volatility of my emotions, I have been praying for grace. I have been asking for God to help me with the emotions. It is working. And when I feel better I can feel myself taking it back. And then I remember and give it back to God. Much like the breath.

I've even dared myself to honestly try for 30 days to completely immerse myself in turning it over to God. I don't think you can... I mean working something really isn't beneficial but actively trying various things like prayer, meditation on a regular routine for 30 days might be an interesting experiment. We'll see. 

Consciousness

This mornings meditation I was very aware of moving in and out of nowness and thoughts. I was wondering what it was that was pulling me out of thoughts and into nowness. What is mindfulness? Laying on my desk was a piece of paper that I had written notes. I had been using it as a bookmark for the Shambhala Sacred Path of the Warrior I had finished last night. I picked it up and read:

"Your home base - the peace-nature of the mind - is just like physical space outside your body. Within you is the space of consciousness where thoughts and emotions move about. As with the outside space, it is because of this space-mind that thoughts and feelings can arise freely and also cease freely. If your mind is already crammed there is no room for anything to arise in it.

If you can 'see' this space clearly in yourself, you also see what is rising and falling more clearly. At first, you may notice only falling - because it is more obvious. You will find yourself less involved with your own emotions and thus more at your home base. And the more your at your home base, the more at peace your will be with yourself and with the world." ~ Dr. Thynn Thynn - Living Meditation, Living Insight

Wow! This is delightful. How notes written in March of this year provide a clear answer to my question of "what is mindfulness". Today's meditation I was really able to see the falling of thoughts - more obvious. But to watch them arise! There is always something new!