Double Minded

Thomas Merton. Thoughts in Solitude. (New York: Farrar, Strauss, Giroux, 1956).

Without courage we can never attain to true simplicity. Cowardice keeps us "double minded" - hesitating between the world and God. ...And this hesitation makes true prayer impossible - it never quite dares to ask for anything, or if it asks, it is so uncertain of being heard that in the very act of asking, it surreptitiously seeks by human prudence to construct a make-shift answer. pg. 24

God's Alarm

I keep falling asleep when meditating
I don't suppose I should be so concerned since this is how I've lead my life to now
Asleep
I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

This morning's Hagia Sophia
Holy Wisdom, as Merton would say

I awoke at 5 saying I must get up but instead I rolled over and slept again until 6
I got out of bed and sat on the couch but laid myself down for sleep again
At least I had made it to the couch

At about 7:15 the call of geese flying overhead gently awoke me
I tried figuring out what their honking sound was as they drew closer
There is something about geese, low flying,
rotating formation
honking, talking
that always makes me look and smile
I lay there kicking myself for my laziness and fear
Doubting my ability to do this Lenten season
without idleness
Without distraction. Quite clearly I fall asleep.
I was just dozing again
when God sent the snooze alarm through
A second flock busily making their way though our neighborhood.

I smiled and arose
with warm acceptance knowing that this morning,
this moment,
7:26 am,
God awoke me,
His Child,
so gently--Hagia Sophia.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

Haiti

Damaged Goods

Flower skeletons - Bridgeport State Park

That's how I'm feeling today. I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and feel pretty inadequate. I am seeing myself look for ways to feel better about why I feel so less than. I am amazed at how many people are able to look and question deep issues and find eloquent words to summarize their thoughts clearly. So the rest of us understand. 

Jealousy, anger, resentment, fear are all front and center tonight. I'm doing a lot of self talk. Motivating myself. I see my mind running after stories like it is no wonder I have such a hard time, my mom was drinking while I was incubating in the womb. Reading, writing, comprehending, and remembering are so hard for me. The things I read are so clear when I see them but give it a week or two and I can't remember a thing. Can one gain enlightenment if you can't remember what you've learned? Did you ever learn it if you can't remember it? 

Which makes me remember one new thing I have grasped in the last few days and that really is turning it over to God. With the volatility of my emotions, I have been praying for grace. I have been asking for God to help me with the emotions. It is working. And when I feel better I can feel myself taking it back. And then I remember and give it back to God. Much like the breath.

I've even dared myself to honestly try for 30 days to completely immerse myself in turning it over to God. I don't think you can... I mean working something really isn't beneficial but actively trying various things like prayer, meditation on a regular routine for 30 days might be an interesting experiment. We'll see. 

The Gifts of Easter Sunday

Morning meditation and prayer.

A run in the park and communing with the space.

A walk with Lynton. Warm talking and friendship in nature.

An amazing email from Bill that affirmed both Buddhist and Christian traditions in a way for me to embrace whole heartily.

An afternoon with the ladies complete with Easter Egg hunt and potluck.

Sweet intimacy with Bear

Popcorn

Evening Meditation & Prayer

It doesn't get any better than this

Thank you.

Making the Fortress-House into a Home

The title is words from J. Denosky (who is an enigma, but has numerous site on the web with regard to supernatural and metaphysical phenomena). I believe I read it in the story "The Life of Kira". But this sums up my transformation this past two weeks. Really coming to grips with ego attachment and how the habit of Fortress-House has been perpetuated in my mind. The release of ego by asking for God's grace is now a felt sense. One I was not previously aware of. My noble efforts to "figure out" what makes me tick, were in vain. I was trying to find God, Buddhanature, the Christ within which is an impossible task. One that can make you literally crazy. But perhaps it was the way for me because now after reaching complete surrender I was able to relax into letting Love help me. I had hammered, clawed, bitten and strained trying to find God, all to no avail. It was the surrender that allowed me to feel the grace, love and emptiness of a moment. Fleeting as it was in memory, there remains the bodily memory which shall sustain me and keep me open and willing to strive in the direction of the Awakened Heart or Home. The grasping Fortress-House of ego is now tame. Pain, love, happiness, sadness - all things are free to come and go from the Home. This is who I truly am.

Lord show me the way

Keep me safe in mind and body

Your greatest gift to me

has been free will.

May I continue to receive your grace

turning my will over to you

until it is yours

May you know that I yearn to

share with others

so they too may come to dwell in the

Home of Awakened Heart

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Last night was another of tossing, anxiety, doubt, embarrassment and shame. For I have been pressed to relive moments of the past in the light. At 2:36 am rose out of bed. Trying to calm my head by resting in love. I sat before the fire place and had a tremendous urge to pray. I crumpled in prayer not really knowing what to say or ask but when I reached in my heart I asked with God to help me find His love. Tears began to pour forth as I finally let go of my will and sincerely asked for God to give me His grace. I asked for Jordon too. I asked that He give us all His Grace. Quickly the tears subsided and I went back to bed. I felt relaxed and relieved. This morning I woke to these words. "Surrender your will and your life to the care of God". I came to my room and pulled the Bible out of the box it has been in since I received it last summer. Wanda's mentioning Corinthians the other day spoke to me and so I looked in the index. There are two books. Which do I choose? Surrendering my will I landed upon 2 Corinthians and this is part of what I read:

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Today happens to be the feast of St. Patrick. St. Patty's Day. Thank you to all who have helped me.