Thoughts & Lessons

During this mornings green meditation, I discovered how yesterday's thoughts turned into today's lessons. The important point really is that it is the feelings that need to be delved into as opposed to the thought concept. Not really sure exactly how to talk about this since it is a raw concept for me right now.

So in Lewis Richmond's blog yesterday, Aging As A Spiritual Practice, I came away with the term "true nature". Usually it is heard as Buddha nature. It struck me though literally as outdoor nature. Specifically the forest. My mind kept coming back to a high Sierra fir stand on the side of a mountain. I could picture the stand quite literally. Despite the elements, despite man, despite the animals and bugs, the stand just stands there in true nature (representing nature), not apparently doing anything but living. They aren't nice or mean, good or bad, right or wrong. All concepts that are constructs of my mind on what "true nature" is and isn't. The stand just is. This morning I realized there was a feeling associated with this thought/realization. It wasn't the concept that needed to be tossed and contemplated but the feeling.

Last night while passing through the room, I caught a portion of Anderson Cooper 360 story. The portion I watched was a commentary between Anderson and Martin Sheen (who helps financially support the gang project) talking about Father Gregory Boyle, a Catholic priest who some had said early on in the Gang Project had been taken advantage of buy some of the gang members. Anderson posed this question to Father Boyle who responded that he was in position to be able to "give advantage". Mr. Sheen followed up by saying he is able to give the Gang member unconditional love and today they know and feel that from Father Boyle. Again it wasn't the new twist in giving advantage as opposed to taking advantage but the feeling that arose from it.

And finally, this mornings dream session was quite vivid and full. But during my experimenting with the "green zone" (not fully awake but conscious while sleeping) the voice came through load and clear that dreaming is not about remembering the details so I can later analyze and dissect them for their symbolism and meaning but instead to meditate on the feelings that arise from the dreams themselves. Concentrate on the joy or frustration or what ever visceral feeling is present in the green zone and early morning hours. For me this is where the study, work and practice will be focused for a while.

God's Alarm

I keep falling asleep when meditating
I don't suppose I should be so concerned since this is how I've lead my life to now
Asleep
I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

This morning's Hagia Sophia
Holy Wisdom, as Merton would say

I awoke at 5 saying I must get up but instead I rolled over and slept again until 6
I got out of bed and sat on the couch but laid myself down for sleep again
At least I had made it to the couch

At about 7:15 the call of geese flying overhead gently awoke me
I tried figuring out what their honking sound was as they drew closer
There is something about geese, low flying,
rotating formation
honking, talking
that always makes me look and smile
I lay there kicking myself for my laziness and fear
Doubting my ability to do this Lenten season
without idleness
Without distraction. Quite clearly I fall asleep.
I was just dozing again
when God sent the snooze alarm through
A second flock busily making their way though our neighborhood.

I smiled and arose
with warm acceptance knowing that this morning,
this moment,
7:26 am,
God awoke me,
His Child,
so gently--Hagia Sophia.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself
God's not

Now is the Season of Effort

So what to do?
Nothing.

Gentle Perspective

Get up and sit.
Oh just a bit longer. Sleep feels good.
Get up and sit.
Okay just a minute.
Get up and sit.
I'm so lazy! I rather sleep than sit. I'm pathetic.
Ah my child you're not lazy you just can't see where sitting will take you. How can you expect yourself to want to do something if you don't really know what you will gain from it.
Thank you for being so gentle.
You're welcome. Now get up and sit.
Okay.

Beginning

I am floundering again. But I trust that it is good. The whole thing of who and what I am. What I think, what I've done all that is melting away. I am trusting that I am the ice who by nature is water. I am dissolving to who I truly am (not). Today's link from the Tricycle Blog was just what I needed. An actknowledgement of how I am feeling and then a way to work with it. The teacher or spiritual friend is important at this point. I am hoping Bill will be that but I must look at the Sangha more I feel. My isolation must end if I am to move further on this journey.

Fear is what happens when reality collides with our personal fiction. Our practice is based on expectations—expectations about who we are, why we are practicing, and what our practice should be. As our hope disintegrates, it may be replaced by fear. Our characteristics, personality, all of our beautiful plans and ideas are like snowflakes about to fall on the hot stone of our meditation practice.
-Lama Tsony, "Facing Fear," from the Fall 2006 Tricycle. Read the complete article.

Why Me

The question of "why me", "why this body" has been popping into my head lately. In trying to filter an understanding of ego, the bodily experience is somewhat perplexing. I am often struck with how hard this whole path thing is. Yet it isn't hard really, it is the process it takes for us to finally let go of preconcieved ideas, as they arise, that often makes me think I am haphazardly stumbling along and it is only luck that pushes me to the next level of understanding and clarity.
I am reading an article from Tricycle Magazine The Buddhist Review. In my effort to grasp it's profundity, I am linking to it here. I should not want to ever lose this new feeling arising from this article.
Touching Enlightenment by Reggie Ray Spring 2006

Why

There is no Question

There just Is

Letting Go

Heaven may close my eyes

so I need to build my bridges.

And the other voice said,

"Then let go."

Making the Fortress-House into a Home

The title is words from J. Denosky (who is an enigma, but has numerous site on the web with regard to supernatural and metaphysical phenomena). I believe I read it in the story "The Life of Kira". But this sums up my transformation this past two weeks. Really coming to grips with ego attachment and how the habit of Fortress-House has been perpetuated in my mind. The release of ego by asking for God's grace is now a felt sense. One I was not previously aware of. My noble efforts to "figure out" what makes me tick, were in vain. I was trying to find God, Buddhanature, the Christ within which is an impossible task. One that can make you literally crazy. But perhaps it was the way for me because now after reaching complete surrender I was able to relax into letting Love help me. I had hammered, clawed, bitten and strained trying to find God, all to no avail. It was the surrender that allowed me to feel the grace, love and emptiness of a moment. Fleeting as it was in memory, there remains the bodily memory which shall sustain me and keep me open and willing to strive in the direction of the Awakened Heart or Home. The grasping Fortress-House of ego is now tame. Pain, love, happiness, sadness - all things are free to come and go from the Home. This is who I truly am.

Lord show me the way

Keep me safe in mind and body

Your greatest gift to me

has been free will.

May I continue to receive your grace

turning my will over to you

until it is yours

May you know that I yearn to

share with others

so they too may come to dwell in the

Home of Awakened Heart

Monks and Bodhisattvas

This is a 4 minute audio clip of Thomas Merton. It may just change your life. Do you have 4 minutes?

The Awakened Heart

This is a talk of Jack Kornfield from November 2008 about pointing the compass of our heart. It is 64 minutes. Do you have an hour? It may change your life.

The Bodhisattva Leader 

New Year's Dream

I was in an jetliner that was going down. It was going to crash. I was holding tight to the armrests and I was in complete terror knowing I was going to die. I kept saying "I'm going to die, I'm going to die" and then I remembered my practice and I found my breath. And then the thought came that even though it was eminent I was going to die it wasn't going to be right then. There was a release of the fear for a moment. And then I woke up -- I was wide awake.