Thoughts & Lessons

During this mornings green meditation, I discovered how yesterday's thoughts turned into today's lessons. The important point really is that it is the feelings that need to be delved into as opposed to the thought concept. Not really sure exactly how to talk about this since it is a raw concept for me right now.

So in Lewis Richmond's blog yesterday, Aging As A Spiritual Practice, I came away with the term "true nature". Usually it is heard as Buddha nature. It struck me though literally as outdoor nature. Specifically the forest. My mind kept coming back to a high Sierra fir stand on the side of a mountain. I could picture the stand quite literally. Despite the elements, despite man, despite the animals and bugs, the stand just stands there in true nature (representing nature), not apparently doing anything but living. They aren't nice or mean, good or bad, right or wrong. All concepts that are constructs of my mind on what "true nature" is and isn't. The stand just is. This morning I realized there was a feeling associated with this thought/realization. It wasn't the concept that needed to be tossed and contemplated but the feeling.

Last night while passing through the room, I caught a portion of Anderson Cooper 360 story. The portion I watched was a commentary between Anderson and Martin Sheen (who helps financially support the gang project) talking about Father Gregory Boyle, a Catholic priest who some had said early on in the Gang Project had been taken advantage of buy some of the gang members. Anderson posed this question to Father Boyle who responded that he was in position to be able to "give advantage". Mr. Sheen followed up by saying he is able to give the Gang member unconditional love and today they know and feel that from Father Boyle. Again it wasn't the new twist in giving advantage as opposed to taking advantage but the feeling that arose from it.

And finally, this mornings dream session was quite vivid and full. But during my experimenting with the "green zone" (not fully awake but conscious while sleeping) the voice came through load and clear that dreaming is not about remembering the details so I can later analyze and dissect them for their symbolism and meaning but instead to meditate on the feelings that arise from the dreams themselves. Concentrate on the joy or frustration or what ever visceral feeling is present in the green zone and early morning hours. For me this is where the study, work and practice will be focused for a while.

Stillness

Last night I was awakened. The voice said,

"Built into the notion of your life is that everything is fixed."

I was struck by this and wrote it down because it doesn't quite make sense here but coming awake from the dream state it was the idea that everything has an innate sense of stillness. I also liked the way it referenced the "notion" of "your life". During morning meditation I had a strong sense to rely on my breath as God. Always here, natural to the point of not knowing it is there most of the time. And this is okay with God. My lack of awareness is okay. The idea that I am doing enough came through strongly.

Gentle Perspective

Get up and sit.
Oh just a bit longer. Sleep feels good.
Get up and sit.
Okay just a minute.
Get up and sit.
I'm so lazy! I rather sleep than sit. I'm pathetic.
Ah my child you're not lazy you just can't see where sitting will take you. How can you expect yourself to want to do something if you don't really know what you will gain from it.
Thank you for being so gentle.
You're welcome. Now get up and sit.
Okay.

A Healing Dream

Frank Day - Konkow Maidu Indian Artist 1902-1976

Photo by Robert Schell 1973

I was ready to be on my way but I was with a young Maidu man, probably in his late thirties or early forties, who reminded me that we needed to say good-bye to the elders. He told me they had wanted to see me. They wanted to meet me. I was honored but wondered why would the elders wanted to meet me?

We were outside in a heavily treed forest of big cedar and dougfir. No ponderosa pines in this setting. Probably 3000 to 3500' in elevation by the feel of it. It was dark from shade with occasional diamond shafts of sunlight peaking through to the ground.

We headed down a dirt drive which lead to the side of well camouflaged house that was long and skinny. It blended in with the trees and side hill because it was brown and had a dark roof. We walked in the small front door. The young Maidu was ahead of me and had turned to the elders and told them I was there to say good-bye. I could not see them because the entrance was in a walled alcove. I walked forward and turned to my left to say hello but when I saw the group I felt it no need to say the words. Two large Maidu men stood at the end of the room who had been seated on the corner sectional couch. The Maidu man straight ahead locked into my eyes with his and smiled making me feel welcome and at home.

The room was in dark paneling and the windows had yellow brown curtains. I quickly glanced to my right and passed a couple on another couch along the wall. It looked like they were watching porno on a TV but I did not feel the need to check for sure or pass judgement. I could feel them look up at me. I didn't feel judged but expected. They were talking quietly and the TV was down low next to the arm of the couch.

As I moved forward toward the Smiling Maidu, I noticed a third older Maidu man standing on the right side of the sectional couch. He had moved slightly so I could make my way around a coffee table toward the Smiling Maidu. I could feel the floor hollow underneath me. The home was not sturdy but felt more like an old mobile. I began to feel afraid because I realized I was in this place with men I did not know. I said something to try and break the tension. No one responded but they looked at each other like they knew something I didn't. I felt they were teasing me and said something to that effect. The Smiling Maidu looked at me with outstretched arms and said "Patty we won't ever want to tease you."

He leaned forward and bent slightly to hug me. His chest went into my upper chest. Our heart chakras touched. He wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped mine around him. He held me like a father and took a deep breath. As he breathed in so did I. He exhaled deeply ever slightly pulling me tighter into his heart. The exhale was unusually long and I felt myself try to loosen my hug to indicate I was ready to stop the hug but he continued to hold me tight. We held our exhaled breath for a few seconds and then he release quickly snapping me away from him by grabbing my arms at the shoulder and pushing me back to arms length. He looked deeply into my eyes. I felt at peace and warmed by such an endearing hug from an Maidu Indian.

I turned round toward my left and there was my young Maidu friend there with outstretched arms ready to give me a hug. He did the same thing and this time knowing what to expect I fully gave my breath to him. As we exhaled together I felt my heart chakra rise with energy and it was as if all the sadness of my life was being pulled out of me from that spot. I could not hold it back and I began to sob from the depths of my soul. The young Maidu released me to the wind. The room opened up and filled with air and lightness. Not light but lightness. I fell to the ground drooling with grief and knew I was being healed. They had opened me up for the healing.

I had assumed Smiling Maidu was the tribal leader but as I lay there sobbing I knew at once the older Maidu was standing behind me and he was doing the healing. As I realized this I was waking and could not turn fast enough to see him. I awoke sobbing and continued to sob.

I collected myself from the dream state and thought perhaps I should wake Bear. I decided not to since she had had a restless nights sleep the night before. As I collected my emotions together I could not help but think that the older man was Maidu Indian, Frank Day coming to be my messenger. Is he my Dakini? There is unfinished business here.

What happened to the sniper?

This question awoke me from dead sleep at some point early in the morning hours when dream teachers most often wake me. Loud and clear. What happened to the sniper? I must have been dreaming about Bill and his Vietnam experience.

In 1969 he had been shot in the jaw while trying to rescue some guys who were down. His buddy and fellow medic was reaching to bandage his wound when he was shot through the eye by the same sniper. Bill laid there in and out of consciousness and over the course of an hour listened to Mike die. Then he proceeded to get up and crawl to help the two he originally was trying to save in the first place. During that crawl he got shot two more times.

I often think about his ordeal especially now that Bill has shaved his beard. He claims so people won't automatically assume he is old enough to get the senior discount. I want to touch his face. I can see the scar on his chin and the surgical scars on his neck. I want to touch him to feel he is okay and here and real. I want to touch him and have him tell me the whole story and for him to know that I hear him and feel his light.

So what does the dream teacher want me to learn? What happened to the sniper? I began to think and wanted to get up and email Bill the question. Was he killed? Was he incinerated in a bomb blast? Was he a Father? Was she a Mother? Was it a Child? What was the sniper thinking? Was she afraid? Was he afraid for his family that the American GI's would kill them? What atrocities had the sniper seen? I wondered what Bill thought about the sniper.

Then the next question came. What happened to Bill's molester? I wanted to know what that man thought that pushed him to sodomize Bill when he was such a young boy? What happened to the molester to make him do those things?

And then the question came for me. What happened to Herb? My molester?

Why don't I care what happened to him?

God! Please take me now!

I cried and went to sleep asking God to take me.

Touching Love of Self

Soon after my last post and just before going to bed, I had the realization that my guardedness was a habit. A habit of thought, reaction, posturing. What was different with this realization was that I didn't beat myself up for this inbred habit, but down to my toes believed that through my practice I could change this habit. The positive spin Carolyn had put on my understanding of fear-that my sense of fear was really awareness with a guarded quality- again set in motion my yearning to want to learn to change. I went to bed wondering how I could relax this guardedness.

I awoke a bit before 3 am. Awoke myself with a start, I was in the midst of a lesson. This will be my third such lesson I have received from the dream state. I was being taken back, remembering when my mother had died and the guilty feelings I had realizing that in fact mom had died miserable and lonely and this sense of rage I had with God for letting this happen. I had known all my life that if my mom didn't get what she needed she would die before her time. I knew it. I had tried everything in my power to take care of her, but short of moving in to be her care taker and provider, this would not happen. So what I had feared probably from infancy had indeed happened.

And then I was pushed to a remembering of when Crystal died. From the moment we had learned of her terminal prognosis, I knew she would be afraid of death. Every week I would ask her if she was afraid and for almost nine months she would adamantly reiterate that she was not afraid. This insistence on her part had me fully coming to believe and admire her heroic journey through the death process. But a week before she died she lay in bed and I beside her. She turned to me and said "Patty I don't feel a thing, I don't feel God" My heart broke. I tried to console her but I had no words for I myself had lost that connection with God. I put my arm around her and we quietly cried. From that point on she suffered from what Hospice called "Terminal Agitation". It had gotten to the point where she asked me to kill her with an overdose of morphine. I was so empathetic with her suffering that I told her I would help. Hospice figured this out and was swift with intervention. They drugged her up, brought the chaplain in, and took me to the side to say that this was not the way. Crystal died but the thought of the fear she felt remained burning with me.

In the span of about five minutes, these rememberings put me smack dab in the middle of my most intense fears which in turn made me realize the guarded nature I had felt for most of my life. The sense of suffering we go through when we contemplate our mortality. I had even realized how this knowledge or groundlessness of not really knowing what happens after we die and the fear of losing our (ego) self was the basis of drive in my life. I had written a small poem about it.

Heaven may close my eyes

So I need to build my bridges

I got out of bed and had to go cry hard. I cried deeply at the arising of this old pain but as I cried and stayed with the pain I became gradually aware of my own beautifully deep sensitivity for others pain. And for a moment I felt my buddhanature, my bodhisattva and that indeed fear and love where two sides of the same coin. I experienced for the first time ever in my life a profound sense of love for who I was as a person.

For the next hour I sat, in and out of meditation riding the realizations I was having. I felt an acceptance of my intuitive self. I no longer saw myself as an emotional basket case. I began to get a sense of purpose and understanding about the happenings of my life and the dots began to connect and take shape as my path within the dharma of this my life time.

I became acutely aware I needed to share with my father the love I felt from him as a young infant when he would come home from work and hold me over his heart and rock me in the rocking chair for an hour each night. How he had saved me from my postpartum alcoholic mother who refused to hold me and give me love the first months of my life. I knew that my father felt really really bad for abandoning my brother and me. I needed to let him know that that love was his redemption. That he no longer needed to feel the guilt. That love he shared with me then was in fact who he is now. I could forgive him for leaving us with her, my mother, the raging, abusive, alcoholic, nightmare. As I sat I felt his suffering and knew it to be real and now. I needed to break through my fear and uncomfortableness and share this with him now. On February 1, he turned 72. I need to spend time with my daddy.

Finally, I felt the suffering and fear my partner feels about being alone. And I knew the burn of anxiety that races through her body when she senses her aloneness. I did not know what to do but to continue to meet her, to be with her in the moment and make her feel that I am her with her now.

I crawled back to bed about 4:30 and half dozed until the alarm went off at 5. I arose exhausted but relaxed. For the rest of the day I was teary eyed at this acceptance of self and love I had found beneath the waves of fear. That even though I have been ice, my nature is water. That even though I have been frozen with fear and guardedness my nature is of the Buddha... buddhanature. I am beginning to melt.

Where To Begin?

So many things have happened in the last few weeks. A profound change in my thinking. The messages are becoming overwhelming, fun, delightful, mysterious... a little bit of everything. Through this I am trying to rest in my new thought processing mechanism and that is as if I am in a giant swimming pool of buddhanature mind energy. More on this in a minute.

What I am looking forward to right now...but again trying not to grasp or cling... is an older man who I know only as an aquaintance met me in the parking lot yesterday on my way to lunch. He asked me if I knew and Adelle or Adaline. I asked for him to give me a context. He said a friend or a relative. I could not recall any one by that name. He said that he was told by them to give me a book. I really raked my brain since I am not good with names at all. No nothing. He said well I don't know if you believe in this stuff or not but have you ever gone into a trance and gotten messages? I was neither skeptical or to enthused but I did say yes. No trance for me but I definitely have gotten messages and heard voices. He said well they told me, demanded I get you this book that I have. Then he said that it has to do with death and what happens after we die. Talk about stop me dead in my tracks. No pun intended there. But the night before I had just watched my movie Proof. And that is my main quest...question... why can't we know what happens after we die. Anyway, my brain has been running with this and thinking back and at 12:30 he is supposed to be out in the parking lot to give me the book. By the way, when I realized he was getting messages I asked him if it could be Madaline? He said that the hair on the back of his neck went up so that must be who it was who wanted me to have the book. Madaline is my grandmother on my Father's side. What a fun story to share with him and my brother (since we don't talk about this kind of stuff... it would be fun to see their reaction).

So more about swimming in buddhanature energy. If I am... really just buddhanature love, wisdom, and all then trying to float in that space and let thoughts and emotions float on past is what I need to be trying to do. So, I am pretending that I am in a giant swimming pool and the water is the space and everyone I see and everything I feel is like my thoughts and emotions. And as I move through space/water that is buddhanature and it is mainly what there is around me. Buddhanature is space and like the feeling of water it is holding me. It is comforting and it makes me a part of everything else in the pool. I feel my heart chakra expand. Oh and words... have you ever been able to hear someone under water? No. So words have really no place other than sound. I can't attach meaning to them. Anyway....more to follow after lunch.

Unrequited Love

My longing for bodhichitta - my longing for awakened heart/mind - contains the passion, sorrow, and soulful ache of unrequited love.

"It isn't easy to say what bodhicitta is. If you looked it up in a buddhist dictionary, it would say something like: ' The heartfelt longing or wish or aspiration to awaken fully, so that you could benefit sentient beings. ' " - Pema Chodron, Shambhala Sun May 2004

Dreamtime Messages

Recently I have become very aware that I am receiving teachings through my dreams. In the last couple of years I have experienced clear messages or truths, in the pre-awakening state of dreaming, that have given me understanding through my sense receptors of mind, touch, sight, and hearing. Smell & taste are absent. Within these four senses, moments of clarity have arisen giving me confidence in my own personal awakened nature. Searching out teachings is becoming more of an internal quest within the happenings of my householder experience.