New Year's Dream

I was in an jetliner that was going down. It was going to crash. I was holding tight to the armrests and I was in complete terror knowing I was going to die. I kept saying "I'm going to die, I'm going to die" and then I remembered my practice and I found my breath. And then the thought came that even though it was eminent I was going to die it wasn't going to be right then. There was a release of the fear for a moment. And then I woke up -- I was wide awake.

Birthday Intention

"May I be a guard for those who need protection

A guide for those on the path

A boat, a raft, a bridge for those who wish to cross the flood

May I be a lamp in the darkness

A resting place for the weary

A healing medicine for all who are sick

A vase of plenty, a tree of miracles

And for the boundless multitudes of living beings

May I bring sustenance and awakening

Enduring like the earth and sky

Until all beings are freed from sorrow

And all are awakened.

~Shantideva

Simply put my intention each day is: May I be an energy that awakens.

Intimate Energy

This can be a confusing thing for me. A deep energy steeped in grasping and aversion but at its root the same energy. Recently I have had some highly charged dreams. Upon awakening this energy is still very present within me. I want to grab it and make it real or push it away and rid myself of the images and feelings. This highly charged state, though quite seductive, is allowing me to practice restraint both physically and mentally.  

My background with this is around a molestation that happened when I was 15. Often I find myself with this intimate energy in dreams and flashbacks. Trying to cut the root of the story line that plays in my head has become key to my practice. Recognizing it and then coming back to love without the added effects. I have a tendency to grab on to people, both men and women and idealize them. Move them into that realm of worship. People who kindle the spirit energy within me. I am always betrayed emotionally because I forget they are human. Meditation has allowed me to see this and then restrain from running with the charged emotions and feelings. I am gaining confidence in my own internal wisdom.

Albatross

The air

crisp

lightly scented 

with chimney smoke. 

The rhythmic massage 

of foot and breath 

bounced upon my ear

I jogged down the earthen path. 

The pink hue of sunrise

backlighting 

the mountain

pine view.

Deep Breath.

I broke out of the forest

to open grass field.

There!

A large low flying bird

Winged its way

toward me! 

Was it the Blue Heron

from the other side of the ravine? 

I slowed to watch its flight. 

It broke into the sunlight!

the markings? and outline?

that of a seagull? 

It was much bigger! 

Could it be an Albatross? 

I stopped 

Looking 

Straight up

It passed over head. 

My Breath! 

heaved In and Out

My Mind?

What was I seeing?

I Held my Breath

Was it magic? 

An albatross?

Never this far inland!

or North! 

Large bird 

Yellow hooked beak 

Tapered tail 

Impossible!

But there it was. 

What did it mean? 

and then 

in an instant 

It was behind the trees. 

Strained eyes search

the blue pink sky

Come back. 

Come back!

Did someone else see?

The Albatross. 

Was it my mind? 

It's tricks? 

I laughed! Yes!

As always

my thoughts 

had become

the albatross! 

Consciousness

This mornings meditation I was very aware of moving in and out of nowness and thoughts. I was wondering what it was that was pulling me out of thoughts and into nowness. What is mindfulness? Laying on my desk was a piece of paper that I had written notes. I had been using it as a bookmark for the Shambhala Sacred Path of the Warrior I had finished last night. I picked it up and read:

"Your home base - the peace-nature of the mind - is just like physical space outside your body. Within you is the space of consciousness where thoughts and emotions move about. As with the outside space, it is because of this space-mind that thoughts and feelings can arise freely and also cease freely. If your mind is already crammed there is no room for anything to arise in it.

If you can 'see' this space clearly in yourself, you also see what is rising and falling more clearly. At first, you may notice only falling - because it is more obvious. You will find yourself less involved with your own emotions and thus more at your home base. And the more your at your home base, the more at peace your will be with yourself and with the world." ~ Dr. Thynn Thynn - Living Meditation, Living Insight

Wow! This is delightful. How notes written in March of this year provide a clear answer to my question of "what is mindfulness". Today's meditation I was really able to see the falling of thoughts - more obvious. But to watch them arise! There is always something new!

Bigger Knowing

"..the warrior feels self-contained, with no need for external reference points to confirm him. Part of modesty is an underlying brilliance, being self-contained but shining out. The warrior's awareness shines out with tremendous inquisitiveness, a keen interest in everything around him. You begin to see things as natural messages, rather than as reference points  for your existence." ~ Chogyam Trungpa 

This mornings meditation was on the above words from Trungpa's book, Shambhala The Sacred Path of the Warrior. For the first time I feel the wisdom of the Universe shining through me. I was manifesting as a mirror. My sense of self became more of a reflective channel not disappearing but instead absorbed by the radiance of Universal truth. I was like an arrow shot through a bale of hay, moving through with purpose touching the awakened energy within in the straw along the flight path. There was no sense of having to stick or hit the mark.

Common fern found in Kauai